Updated 28th February 2023
Although ghosting usually occurs during dating, it can be equally (if not more) hurtful when you are ghosted by a friend. This is especially so if you were ghosted by someone you regarded as your best friend. Perhaps you’ve been through a lot with this friend and spent a great deal of time together. You may feel as though this friend has disappeared off the face of the earth. Maybe they’re no longer available to talk or meet up with you. It’s probably a struggle to get hold of them or even find out how they’re doing.
Friends ghost for many reasons, however, you may never figure out why. We explore some of the common reasons as to why friends ghost and how you can deal with being ghosted.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting is when someone abruptly cuts off all communication with you without warning. This results in the end of the relationship. Perhaps you used to message each other regularly, however you find that they are taking longer and longer to reply. Eventually, they stop communicating with you all together. Ghosting often occurs in dating (especially during online dating) but can happen in friendships or even among colleagues.
Are they really ghosting you?
If this is a friend who was previously reliable and a big part of your life, it may be worth finding out if they are really ghosting you. Sometimes genuine reasons such as work or health issues can take their toll on ones personal relationships. It’s important to keep an open mind and be non-judgmental when asking them why they haven’t been in touch. You may wish to enquire about their well-being and check that everything is ok with them or if anything has happened. If it turns out that they have actually ghosted you then this may come as a shock.
Why do friends ghost?
The reasons that friends ghost are somewhat different to ghosting in dating. Someone may ghost the person they are dating due to not wanting to get more seriously involved with you. A friend may ghost when they feel that you have drifted apart and no longer have anything in common. Or, they may simply be tired of you being a ‘bad’ friend. Here are some common reasons as to why friends ghost:
Been ghosted by a friend? Reason 1. Your friend feels they no longer have much in common with you
Sometimes when we’ve known a friend for a long time, we get used to them always being there. After all, you’ve got history and have been through a lot of life together. However, its inevitable that we change as we grow up and go through different life experiences. You may even be on polar opposite paths in life. If one person feels that the two of you can no longer relate, they may gradually become less interested in maintaining the relationship. This can occur after major life events, such as when one friend relocates to a new country, or if they get married and have children.
Sometimes we simply grow out of friendships. This can happen if you previously had some common activity that the two of you used to share e.g. enjoying the same hobby or even working together as colleagues. If, for whatever reason, this activity has ended, then you’ll spend less time together as a result. It may be difficult to find time to meet up and stay in touch once you lose this common ground.
Been ghosted by a friend? Reason 2. They’re not happy about your behaviour
Perhaps you’ve taken them for granted as a friend and not been there for them when you should have. Or, you’ve been unreliable and always cancel plans with them at the last minute. Another example is if they feel they cannot trust you. Perhaps they’ve told you private things in confidence and you’ve told other people. Basically, anything that they may perceive as selfish and inconsiderate behaviour may contribute towards them ghosting you.
If you suspect this is the case and you feel it may be your fault that they’ve gone MIA then do make an effort to reach out. It may even be something you’ve done unknowingly. If you value them as a friend then it’s certainly worthwhile to find out if they are not happy about something. If they explain the reason then at least you have an opportunity to make amends.
Been ghosted by a friend? Reason 3. You’re too much drama for them
Some people have a higher tendency for attracting drama into their lives. They may easily pick fights with others or regularly put themselves in risky situations. They may thrive on the excitement and ups and downs. However, when this type of person suffers the consequences e.g. picking up the pieces after a destructive relationship, it’s usually the friend who ends up supporting them.
If this is a repeated trend, it can be tiring and frustrating for the friend. Aside from worrying about you constantly, they may have spent significant time getting you out of bad situations and offering emotional support. Over time, this can become tiring. Ask yourself honestly: have you been a good friend to them? Are you there for them in times of need? If the answer is no, then chances are, they’ve grown tired of your behaviour.
Been ghosted by a friend? Reason 4. You may trigger their insecurities
Everyone has things that they feel they lack or need to improve on. While some people treasure the opportunity to learn from others, some may simply prefer to avoid friends who appear to possess the qualities or things that they lack themselves. Unfortunately, human beings can be easily prone to envy. The insecure friend may end up feeling inadequate about themselves simply from comparing themselves to you. As a result, they may prefer cutting you out of their life.
Sometimes it’s nothing that you’ve done. You may have even been a great friend to them. However, it’s possible that this friend has some insecurities that you’ve triggered. They may prefer to distance themselves from you in order to avoid feelings of inadequacy or even jealousy. Unfortunately, if this is the case, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to resolve the situation. This person has their own issues that are unrelated to you.
Been ghosted by a friend? Reason 5. You never ranked highly in this friend’s priority list
Unfortunately, it is possible that this person who you saw as a ‘friend’ was not a good friend to begin with. Perhaps they did sometimes enjoy hanging out with you or having you around. Maybe you really enjoyed having them as a friend. However, they did not really see you as someone they would be good friends with. They may not have intentionally ghosted you, however they may have never felt the desire to put the effort into your friendship.
Sometimes, especially in social groups, there is a certain element of keeping up appearances and needing to be ‘friends’ with everyone. However, the reality is that this is difficult. We may end up having to get along with people but this may not actually be a true friendship. This can be common in cliquey friendship groups with underlying politics. Basically, unless you’re in a group situation with common friends, they don’t view you as someone they would call up and hang out with individually.
Jen’s Story
“I had been friends with my friend Sara since we were in high school until our 20s. At one point, we used to do pretty much everything together. Things changed as we started working though. She got a high flying job in finance and seemed to be living the life. I went down the creative path and did freelance jobs. Although I enjoyed the work, our lives seemed to be worlds apart.
She would always be going to fancy restaurants and jetting off to cool places. She had an equally high-flying boyfriend who then proposed to her and they bought an amazing place together. I, on the other hand, was still living off my meagre salary in a flatshare and single.
I was really happy for her initially but over time, I just felt we had less and less in common. To be honest, I probably felt a bit intimidated by her success and the fact she seemed to have everything. She never did anything bad to me. However, I just felt less and less comfortable being around her. Eventually I just stopped making effort to keep the friendship going. In some ways, it is a shame, but I just think we grew apart.
How to deal with being ghosted by a friend
It is understandably hurtful and confusing if you have been ghosted by a friend. If it’s someone that you have known for a very long time, being ghosted may come as a huge shock.
Reach Out
Reaching out. You may or may not wish to reach out to your friend to find out why they ghosted you. Perhaps they meant a lot to you as a friend. Or maybe you’re concerned that you’ve done something to upset them. If you are keen to reach out, be sure to keep an open mind. Try saying something like, “Hey, I realised that we are not speaking nowadays. I was wondering if I did anything to hurt your feelings. Would you be open to sharing what’s on your mind? If not, no worries.”
Accept that the friendship is over
Try not to dwell on the reasons as to why they ghosted you. You may never find out the true reasons they did not want to continue the friendship. In fact, their reasons may have far more to do with themselves e.g. insecurities than anything you ever did.
Move on
At the end of the day, you deserve happy and healthy friendships. You may find it helpful to avoid visiting (or even removing) their social profiles on Facebook and Instagram. If you do happen to bump into them in person, remain polite. There’s nothing further to be gained by expressing any anger or unresolved feelings towards them.
Focus on other people in your life
Just because you’ve been ghosted by a friend, it does not mean that you can have a fulfilling circle of friends who support and care about you. By focusing on friends who reciprocate the effort you put in, you’ll be much happier in the long run. It’s true that friends come and go, but those worthy of being lifelong friends will stick with you.
Are there any lessons that can be learned for the future?
We are not suggesting that ghosting friends is the correct way to end a friendship. However, if you feel that it was a result of your own behaviour or something that you did, it’s worth reflecting on this. Perhaps at the time you were too self-unaware to realize that you were repeatedly ditching your friend at the last minute. Or that you constantly complained about your own problems, without even asking how they were. On the other hand, it could be that you chose to be friends with someone who didn’t really care about you to begin with.
Maybe you suspect that this person has their own issues and it’s nothing that you did that caused them to ghost you. In this case, try not to take it personally. Sometimes friendships do expire as people change and move onto different stages in life. Perhaps you’ve just outgrown each other and that’s fine. Not all friendships are meant to last forever.
Even though you got ghosted by a friend, you can see it as a learning experience. Perhaps there are things you can improve upon to be a better friend to those in your circle. Or, perhaps you will learn to be better at choosing your friends in the future.
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