In dating, breadcrumbing is when someone gives slight indication that they are interested in you without any significant follow-up. Imagine the dissatisfaction of being served a plate of breadcrumbs while some people around you are getting a full slice of cake. Yep, unfortunately, that’s how it feels. With breadcrumbing, the other person may or may not be unintentionally leading you on. According to Urban Dictionary, breadcrumbers send out “flirtatious but not committal text messages. ”They may send the occasional “hey, how are you? 😉” or comment “looking good” on your Instagram posts. However, it never leads to anything significant afterwards. The other person is trying to instigate a response from you and maintain a thread of a relationship while putting in minimal effort.
How do you know if someone is breadcrumbing you?
Have you ever known someone who would message you sporadically and then take forever to respond? Chances are, they were reliably unreliable. They probably would only send casual messages. The following behaviours are an indication that someone is breadcrumbing you:
- Occasionally messaging you out of the blue with “what’s up?” or “nice outfit” and then taking a long time to reply if you respond to them
- They are happy to small talk but go quiet when you discuss anything remotely meaningful
- Making non-committal responses if you discuss potentially meeting up, such as “sure, maybe when things aren’t so busy”
- They are hot and cold – one moment they are warm and enthusiastic to chat to you, the next moment they are unresponsive
- They back out of plans you’ve made – they may cancel at the last minute after giving a lame excuse, or they may even stand you up
- You never seem to know where you stand with them. Are they interested or not?
Related: Cushioning In Dating: The Tell-Tale Signs
Why do people breadcrumb?
People breadcrumb when they are not seriously interested in you but are happy to keep you around, just in case. This can be for a variety of reasons.
- They’re bored and want some attention. Some people need constant attention and reassurance of their appeal to others. Therefore, maintaining contact or flirting with a wide circle of people allows them to gain self-validation.
- They want to keep you around as a backup or ego boost. If they know that you are interested in them, they may enjoy keeping you around as a backup. This is far easier when they know that you will always respond or be there for them, despite them putting in minimal effort.
- They’re taken and still seeking extra attention. Perhaps they’re already in a serious relationship or dating someone but they enjoy the thrill of knowing someone else likes them. Breadcrumbing is a way in which they can continue to entertain attention from other people without actually crossing the line.
How do you deal with someone who is breadcrumbing you?
First things first, it’s a mistake to place expectations on someone who is behaving inconsistently and hasn’t earned your trust. If they’ve disappeared for periods of time, expect it can easily happen again. If they’ve cancelled plans at the last minute, don’t be surprised when they ditch at the last minute this time. Basically, you should know what to expect based on their previous behaviour. If you make this person the centre of your world, you’re likely to be left feeling hurt and disappointed. You need to majorly adjust your expectations.
How does breadcrumbing make one feel?
When someone has been breadcrumbed, it’s common to feel any of the following
- Confused as to whether the other person actually likes them
- Disappointed that the breadcrumber seems to not care as much as they do
- Excitement when the breadcrumber replies or suggests meeting up, only to feel let down when they disappear or go back to being nonchalant
- Feelings of unworthiness due to the fact that the other person is not reciprocating, despite the effort you’ve put in
What to text a guy who is breadcrumbing you?
If it becomes apparent that a guy is breadcrumbing you (or trying to), how you respond really depends on what you want to get out of it. If you are completely uninterested in conversing with or seeing this guy, then it is reasonable to not respond all together. After all, who knows what his deal is? Perhaps he’s simply bored, or maybe he’s even in a relationship and simply seeking extra attention. If he falls into one of these categories and you feel you have no reason to respond, that’s perfectly fair.
It gets more tricky when you are somewhat (or very) interested in the guy who is breadcrumbing you. You may feel tempted to keep the conversation going and try to make plans with him. It’s only natural if you like someone. You may wish to respond in a casual way and see where things go. However, you should be careful with someone who is behaving inconsistently. Do not place expectations on this guy and imagine that they are the man of your dreams. After all, they have not proven that they deserve your time and attention.
What else can I do if I’ve been breadcrumbed?
If you find yourself disappointed when a guy breadcrumbs you, don’t fret. The first step is realizing that they are not as interested as you’d hoped. Once you recognize their ‘off’ behaviour then you can figure out how to deal with it. It can be damaging to one’s self-esteem if you find someone who you had feelings behaves aloof and does not reciprocate your feelings. In this situation, it’s best to focus on yourself and doing things that are good for your self-esteem. Spend more time with people who genuinely care about you and that you trust. You may wish to cut off from this person all-together to avoid falling into a cycle of emotional ups and downs.
Conclusion
In general, being breadcrumbed by someone is far from ideal- IF you have feelings for them. However, if you yourself are not too interested in the person and simply regard them as a bit of fun attention, then probably not going to be bothered by it. In this case, you probably wouldn’t even think too much into whether you should respond or not. More likely, you would simply do whatever you feel like, without getting emotionally involved.
If you do have feelings for the person (or if you have a history with them), it’s a bit more complicated. Breadcrumbing can be downright hurtful, especially if they often cancel plans or disappear for periods of time. At the end of the day, you are unlikely to feel fulfilled by the relationship in the long term. Someone who acts hot and cold does not deserve your trust and time. You are better off focusing on finding someone else who treats you with the respect that you deserve.
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