The rise of ghosting culture has seen the formality of traditional relationship breakups being replaced with ghosting. This means silence, ignoring, or even blocking the person involved until they figure out the relationship is over. It’s a frustrating way to be broken up with but unfortunately is very common. A 2016 survey carried out by popular dating site Plenty of Fish found that a whopping 80% of millennials aged 18 to 33 have been ghosted.
Although ghosting was originally described as a term relating to dating, it now applies to all kinds of relationships. Ghosting can happen between friends, colleagues and even family. But why has ghosting become so common? Is this now the new norm that one should expect might happen if they enter into a new relationship? We explore how ghosting culture began and how it has become increasingly common. Why are people choosing to ghost instead of having the courtesy to end things in a proper way?
Dating is different to what it used to be
In order to understand why our relationship etiquette has changed so much, we need to examine modern dating. Specifically, how dating in the modern world differs so greatly to the previous generations. Traditionally, dating, or courtship, was seen as a pathway to marriage. Usually, the man would usually play the role of the suitor. Women would often be expected to behave in a conservative manner. Generally speaking, dating was much more formal back then.
Dating in the modern world differs in the sense that people have much more freedom and fewer expectations. There are now many different types of relationships. For example, you have casual relationships, flings, long-term boyfriend and girlfriends, cohabitation partners etc. Many people would even struggle to define what their relationship actually ‘is’. Men and women nowadays can increasingly pursue relationships as they wish. There are fewer expectations for relationships to result in marriage.
Online dating has made people spoilt for choice
Due to the ease at which one can meet new people, people are now spoilt for choice. Aside from meeting people in real life, online dating has opened up a whole new world of possibilities. One can simply try registering on any of the common dating apps e.g. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel. Immediately start swiping through an endless list of prospects, who are single and ready to mingle. All it takes is a click of a button and exchanging a few messages in order to secure oneself a ‘date’. People can even use dating websites to explore dating people who are located in different cities or countries.
Related: 5 Reasons Ghosting Is Cowardly When It Comes To Dating
Ghosting culture is very common with online dating, especially early on
People nowadays can easily forge new connections and embark on new relationships online. However, say you connect with ten people on a dating app. It’s unlikely that you will genuinely get along well with all ten. What happens when you start exchanging messages with these individuals? How many do you end up meeting up with in real life? And after your first initial meeting, how many do you wish to see again for a second date? This is where ghosting becomes an easy way of filtering out prospects. Besides, one may argue that they don’t really owe any explanation to someone they’ve never met, or only met once or twice.
Does tech and modern communication contribute towards ghosting culture?
Nowadays, the vast majority of people use messenger apps such as Whatsapp, Facebook Messenger etc. to communicate with others. The advantage is that we have convenience and speed in reaching other people. However, some things have almost become too easy. For example, using a dating app allows people to secure dates with ease by simply sending a few messages. The awkwardness of asking someone out in real life is avoided. Now, we can now hide behind our phones and screens. It’s easy to avoid someone if you don’t wish to reply.
The same goes for awkward conversations, such as breakups. Instead of dealing with a person in front of you, someone can easily end a relationship by sending a text. Perhaps they didn’t care that much to begin with and thought their chances of running into this person again were slim. Meeting in real life to break up may feel like a big effort. Taking it one step further, ghosting becomes an ideal avoidance tactic. One can end a relationship simply by not responding. There’s no need to think through what to say. After all, the other person will eventually get the hint, right?
After how many dates is it ‘okay’ to ghost someone?
Unfortunately, modern ghosting culture has somehow normalized ghosting as a way of saying ‘I’m no longer interested.’ Many ghosters simply ghost without a second thought. Ghosting has become such common practice. Ghosters are simply not bothered to spare the time and thought to tell the other person ‘it’s over.’ Dating platform Plenty of Fish regards ghosting after the first date as a common way of showing you do not want to meet again. Some may argue it is more acceptable to ghost someone that you’d only exchanged messages with online or met once. However, the issues start to arise when people use ghosting further down the line. Ghosting after three dates certainly hurts more than being ghosted after one date. Ghosting after three months is even more harsh.
If the person being ghosted had feelings for the ghoster, they will inevitably feel upset and confused. The more they had invested into the relationship, the more it will hurt. Therefore, even if the ghoster can reason that it was ‘nothing serious,’ this may not have been how the other person saw the relationship. In fact, a common justification used by ghosters is that the relationship was in the early stages and not ‘official’. They may use this as a get out of jail free card and excuse their own behaviour. Therefore, it is difficult to define which situations ghosting is an acceptable way of ending things.
As ghosting culture becomes more common, the people who’ve been ghosted then become the ghosters themselves
As with many trends in society, the more people that do it, the more we accept it as ‘normal’ behaviour. This is the same as with ghosting. As people experience being ghosted by dates or friends, or witness other people being ghosted, it almost becomes a standard practice. Someone who has been ghosted in the past may feel that no one explained to them that they were being dumped. Therefore, they may feel entitled to ghost someone as they wish. The act of ghosting then spreads over to other types of relationships such as friendships.
What can be done about the rise of ghosting culture?
Many of us have already been, or will be, ghosted at some point. Nowadays, people are experiencing greater freedom and choices when it comes to personal relationships than ever before. This, combined with modern technology, allows us to forge many connections at ease. We are no longer limited to making connections with people in our immediate surroundings. However, this does not necessarily mean that all of these people will remain in our lives long term. Plenty of the people we once knew or even dated will disappear from our lives.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to influence other people’s behaviour in relationships. Ghosters may simply lack empathy for others or be playing the field. There is always a risk of being ghosted by people you date, especially if you enjoy online dating. However, if people are savvy about choosing who they have relationships with, they can reduce their risk of being ghosted. This means prioritizing being with people who treat you with respect and recognizing red flags.
When it comes to dating, if the person is flaky or inconsistent in their feelings for you, this is not a good sign. Someone who is reliable and keeps their promises and always considers your feelings is much less likely to ghost. If you do get ghosted, just remember that it happens to everyone and reflects the other person, not you. Instead of agonizing over why you got ghosted, take it as an opportunity to start afresh and move on from a relationship that was simply not meant to be.
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