Sometimes, it can be difficult to know what to do in relationships. All relationships will inevitably have their ups and downs, as well as moments where you feel uncertainties. It’s only normal that when you spend a lot of time with another person, disagreements or conflicts may crop up from time to time. After all, you are two unique individuals with different past experiences and perspectives on life. However, the decision whether to break up or not is usually something people do not take lightly. Unless the answer is very clear cut, it may take considerable contemplation.
Are the problems deal breakers or something you can work through?
If you’ve encountered issues, how do you know whether you can work through them? Or, whether they are something more serious, potentially signalling the end of your relationship? Even if there are major issues, breaking can be difficult. It may be scary imagining your life without your current boyfriend as it’s likely you’ve developed an emotional connection with each other. You may have invested months or years into the relationship. Furthermore, it can be daunting putting yourself back into the world of singledom.
Despite breakups being unpleasant to say the least, there are certain situations in which you should simply bite the bullet and break up. If you’re currently wondering “should I break up with my boyfriend?” read on as we discuss the 5 situations when the answer is yes.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Situation 1. You’re unhappier as a result being in the relationship and have tried addressing the causes, to no avail
A happy and healthy relationship is what most people strive towards. In the best relationships, it is fun and fulfilling to spend time with someone who you genuinely click with. Furthermore, it’s rewarding to care for someone else deeply and be loved in return. Together, you can go through life experiences and even create special memories together. Happy relationships are a huge part of what make life worth living.
What is it that you are unhappy about?
If you are wondering whether you should break up with your boyfriend, you’re likely unhappy about something in the relationship. Perhaps you feel unfulfilled in the relationship for various reasons. This could be a direct result of your boyfriend’s behaviour i.e. something he did, or maybe even a recent conflict you’ve had. Sometimes, it may not be any specific incident, but rather a deeper feeling of something being missing. There may be no clear-cut answer, or there may be multiple reasons.
Have you tried bringing up your concerns with your boyfriend?
If you encounter difficulties or conflict in your relationship with your boyfriend, it’s important to identify your own feelings and why you are feeling that way. Only then you can address things with your boyfriend. It could be that he’s completely oblivious to the fact that his behaviour may have had a negative effect on you and made you unhappy. However, things get more complicated if his actions are regularly making you unhappy and he either does not understand why they upset you, or is unwilling to change.
Elsa’s Story
“I had been with my boyfriend for nearly a year when I started to have this recurring feeling of being unhappy in the relationship. It seemed to creep up on me over time. In the beginning when everything was exciting and fresh, we enjoyed spending all our time together. However, over time, he seemed to become less attentive towards me and more occupied with work and his friends.
I’m not sure what happened. I did try bringing it up with him several times as I really wanted to make things work and was hoping things could go back to how they were before. Each time, he completely denied it and said that I had unrealistic expectations. I felt a bit confused as to what to do. I really cared about him and he never suggested breaking up. It seemed we were stuck in a routine on autopilot. On the surface we were boyfriend and girlfriend and looked perfect to the outside world, but deep down I felt unhappy.
“I realised my heart was no longer in it.”
It was only when I found myself seriously flirting with another guy that I realised my heart was no longer in it. I didn’t feel that being with my boyfriend brought me happiness or the feeling of being loved. At that moment, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. He admitted that his feelings had changed over time but wasn’t sure whether to end it or not as he still cared about me.”
If you’ve already tried addressing issues in the relationship that make you unhappy and still cannot reach an amicable solution together, it’s time to call it quits
If there are problems in the relationship that result in you feeling unhappy and you’ve already tried to work through them to no avail, this is a sign that maybe things simply can’t be fixed. For example, maybe you’ve been struggling to accept your boyfriend’s party-loving lifestyle whereby he seems to prioritize going out clubbing over spending time with you. If, despite you voicing your concerns, he is set on continuing in the same way and leaves you feeling unvalued and lonely, it’s clear that the issue is anywhere close to being resolved.
By staying in the relationship, you are basically accepting a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude from your boyfriend. Sure, you may question whether you can wait for him to change. However, you’re far better off breaking up with him if his actions regularly make you unhappy and there’s no sign of him understanding your concerns, let alone trying to change. Basically, unless you are prepared to drastically change your own expectations (which is difficult) to accommodate his behaviour, you will not be happy.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Situation 2. You don’t trust each other
Trust is an essential foundation for any healthy relationship. Without trusting each other, it’s impossible to feel secure long-term in the relationship. There may be several reasons as to why you struggle to trust your boyfriend. Perhaps you’ve caught him being dishonest in the past and are worried it will happen again. It may be something small such as a white lie, or it could even be full-blown cheating.
Whatever the reason is for your lack of trust in your boyfriend, it can result in you worrying or feeling insecure. You may easily feel suspicious or jealous on a regular basis. Feeling like this can be stressful in the long-term and may erode on your happiness. Furthermore, if your lack of trust in your boyfriend causes you to regularly question his actions or motives, this will likely cause conflict. No one likes being regularly questioned or, even worse, interrogated.
Firstly, try addressing any issues that have caused you to lose trust in your boyfriend
If there are specific reasons for you to have lost trust in your boyfriend, it’s important to address them. It’s important to explain how you feel and the concerns that you have so that he can gain some insight into your worries. Only then can you think of solutions to potentially repair the situation.
Trust issues can become a relationship deal-breaker when you’ve already tried to resolve issues but to no avail. For example, perhaps your boyfriend regularly cancels plans. You’ve already explained that this is not acceptable for you as it’s disrespectful and messes up your schedule. Furthermore, it makes you feel that he doesn’t value the relationship or the time you spend together. As a result, you feel that you cannot trust that he will really follow through with plans.
If you cannot resolve the underlying issues, it may be time to cut your losses
Perhaps despite you bringing up your concerns, he still does not change his behaviour and the issue repeats itself time and time again. This is simply not good enough. Someone who cares enough about the relationship, will be willing to adapt his behaviour, especially if it’s something obviously disrespectful. Instead of getting upset about the same issue over and over again, sometimes it’s important to know when to call it quits and break up. After all, if their behaviour is bordering on selfish or downright disrespectful, it’s surely not going to make you happy in the long-term.
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Situation 3. You want a relationship with a future but you don’t see it with him
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some are good for a certain period of your life but may not be suitable in the long-term. Perhaps deep down, you seek a boyfriend with whom you can make a serious commitment and build a life together. However, you have a boyfriend who is clearly not long-term material. It may have been fine in the beginning where you simply enjoyed each other’s company. However, now you’re getting a nagging feeling that the relationship is going nowhere and ultimately not what you want in the long-term.
There may be various reasons as to why you don’t feel you have a future with your current boyfriend. Perhaps you have very different life goals and it would be difficult to bring merge your lives together. Or, maybe the two of you are not even planning to be in the same location for much longer. Sometimes there’s no specific reason other than you just feel that he is not the right person for you.
There’s no point staying in a relationship where you feel unfulfilled and are seeking something else
It’s absolutely fine and possibly even wise to recognize that your current boyfriend is not someone you want to be with forever. After all, the truth is the truth. Just because a relationship does not last forever, does not make the time you spent together any less meaningful or a waste of time. We all learn from relationships and experiences and often discover a lot about ourselves along the way. However, if you’ve reached the point where you feel that the relationship is no longer fulfilling or just not what you want, then It’s perfectly reasonable to end things.
Even though break-ups can be tough, it’s far better to move on than to stay in a relationship where feel unfulfilled and seeking something else. Furthermore, it’s unfair towards the other person if they are oblivious to the fact that you are not happy in the relationship and don’t even want to be with them.
Should I break up with my boyfriend Scenario 4. He is disrespectful towards you and his behaviour continues despite you bringing up your concerns
If you find that your boyfriend treats you disrespectfully this is a huge red flag. Being disrespectful can take many forms. For example, he may be inconsiderate to your feelings or put down your opinions. Or, he may be selfish and only care about what he wants in the relationship rather than taking into consideration your wishes. While it is possible that his actions are unintentional, it’s important to address his behaviour immediately if it results in you feeling disrespected or belittled.
Here are some signs that your boyfriend’s behaviour is disrespectful:
- He disregards your opinion
- You never feel heard
- He does not consider your wishes and prioritizes what he wants instead
- He considers your views inferior
- He laughs at you or your opinions
- He does not respect your boundaries
- He uses foul or inappropriate language towards you or calls you names
Ultimately, mutual respect and love is essential to any healthy relationship. If your boyfriend lacks basic respect towards you, it will inevitably result in you feeling unhappy and unvalued. Being in the right relationship should make you feel loved and cared for, not insecure. If your boyfriend’s behaviour is consistently disrespectful, it’s time to show him the door.
Should I break up with my boyfriend Scenario 5. He’s cheated on you and you can’t move past it
Cheating can occur for many reasons and in can take many different forms
Cheating in relationships unfortunately happens to many people, even when they least expect it. Individuals cheat for a variety of reasons and to different extents. People’s definitions of cheating vary widely, too. Is flirting and texting a cute co-worker cheating? Does emotional cheating count as cheating even if nothing actually ‘happened’? At the end of the day, if your boyfriend has done something that constitutes ‘cheating’ in your eyes, this is clearly an issue.
Should you break up with your boyfriend if he’s cheated on you?
If your boyfriend has cheated on you and you are deciding whether to break up with him, this can be a difficult question to answer. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal-breaker. For others, the answer is not so straight forwards and they may be able to work through it. Only you can figure out the answer yourself.
Cheating can depend on several factors. Firstly, did his behaviour seriously constitute cheating or was it perhaps a bit ambiguous? Also, what were his reasons for behaving in such a way? Were there issues in your relationship that perhaps lead him to act in such a way? Or, was he simply acting selfishly and disregarding your relationship?
While cheating obviously sucks and often many people’s worst nightmare in a relationship, cheating is not necessarily a reason to break up with your boyfriend. It really depends on what happened, how you feel about it and how you are able to deal with it.
When cheating means the relationship is over
Cheating becomes a deal-breaker if you are unable to move past being cheated on. For example, maybe you feel that cheating is an absolute betrayal and has caused any trust you had in him to break down completely. It’s absolutely fair if you regard cheating as a behaviour that you absolutely will not tolerate in a relationship. You should be true to your own boundaries in relationships and be honest with what you will and will not accept. After all, it’s possible that someone who’s cheated before is more likely to cheat again.
On the other hand, perhaps you’ve tried working on the relationship after being cheated on. If, despite your best efforts, the trust between the two of you cannot be repaired then this suggests that the relationship cannot be salvaged.
Related: Dating In Your 30s: The Challenges You’ll Face And Top Tips For Success
We get it, breaking up is hard to do
No one enjoys break ups. Even if there are serious issues in the relationship, it can be difficult to make a concrete decision to break up with your boyfriend. After all, there were certainly things that attracted you to him in the first place. It’s likely you also shared a lot of fun and happy times together that you treasure. It can be scary thinking that someone you’ve spent so much time with will no longer be in your life.
However, the harsh reality is that not all relationships are meant to last forever. Furthermore, it’s important to focus on the fact that only happy and healthy relationships with mutual love and respect will make you happy in the long-term. Perhaps the issues that you have with the relationship are evidence that you are not truly compatible. You deserve someone who truly loves you and will go out of their way to support you. You need to feel loved to be happy. If you find that your current boyfriend is simply not what you want in the long-term, or there are unresolvable issues that are consistently making you unhappy, these are clear signs that you need to bite the bullet and break up.
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