Dating Someone Who's Playing You Hot and Cold? Read This.

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If you are dating someone who is playing it hot and cold, it can be exciting but frustrating. It’s hard to know where you stand with the other person. Are they into you or are they not? One moment, they seem to be keen and enjoying your time together. They may even express how much they like you and appear serious about the relationship. However, this is then followed by them suddenly pulling away. They may act nonchalant or even blow off plans you’d made. If this sounds like the person you’re dating, you may have agonized over their confusing behaviour.

Over time, dating someone who is playing you hot and cold can be draining. It’s likely you feel uncertain about their feelings for you. You may end up constantly analyzing their behaviour. “But why does he say he’s so lucky he found me if he’s not serious about me?” Ultimately, you are stuck on the receiving end of whatever their mood is (or feelings are) that day. It’s hard to feel a sense of security when dating someone who is playing it hot and cold.

What does it mean when someone is playing it hot and cold?

They may be all into you one day but give you the cold shoulder the next

The term playing it hot and cold in dating is pretty self-explanatory. One day, this person is all into you. They dedicate time to you and are great company. They may openly show affection or act coupley with you. It’s possible they even say things that allude to a future for your relationship. However, if you thought everything was rosy and going great, you’d be mistaken. Their affection and enthusiasm is soon replaced by a totally different attitude. They suddenly become aloof. Instead of actively making plans, they are no longer that keen to speak to or see you.

Specific examples of when someone is playing it hot and cold

The guy who starts to cancel plans

Guy A has been seeing Girl A for a few months. Initially, he was super interested and going all out to impress her with fun dates. However, over time, she found that he became less keen. After making plans, he would often cancel at the last minute. He would give reasons such as needing to meet other people or that he just wasn’t in the mood. When they did actually meet, he would still be super friendly and seemed to enjoy spending time with her. However, she found he was messaging her less frequently than before. Girl A is confused and frustrated. She really likes him. What she cannot understand is why he cancels plans and is less responsive than before.

Is he only serious about you when you’re alone?

The guy who is only serious about her- when they are alone

Guy B and Girl B have been dating for a few weeks. They get along well and Guy B even states that he hasn’t met a girl like her for a really long time. Girl B is really happy that he seems to appreciate and respect her. They spend a great deal of time together. One time when they are at a party together, Girl B finds that Guy B seems awkward about her being there. He doesn’t pay much attention to her and certainly doesn’t act as though they are ‘together.’ He openly flirts with other girls. She feels hurt and disappointed. Why is he so affectionate and serious only when they are alone?

The girl who occasionally disappears

Girl C and Guy C met on an online dating app. They’ve only been out a few times together, but they get along well. When they meet up, she appears happy and flirtatious. In between dates, they message throughout the day. From the guy’s point of view, he really likes her. However, he cannot figure out if she’s actually into him. Sometimes when he suggests meeting she is totally up for it. Other times, she will take the whole day to reply and say she’s not available, without any reason. He cannot understand if she is interested or not.

The girl who wants to be together, then doesn’t, then does

Girl D and Guy D are in an established relationship. They spend most of their free time together and are exclusive. Guy D sees a future with her as they get along really well. He’s not completely sure if she sees longer term potential for the relationship but he figures it might just take time. To his surprise, she tells him one day that she wants to break up. He is very hurt by this and cannot understand why. “Everything seemed great, what happened?”

Deep down he misses her terribly and wants to go back to how things were before. A few days later, she tells him that she misses him dearly and suggests meeting up. They re-kindle their relationship. He is over the moon to be back together with her. However, there is an underlying feeling of uncertainty. He is still a bit burnt by her actions and does not know if he can trust her. Will she do it again?

The guy who starts to have other priorities

Perhaps he treated you well in the beginning but not anymore

Guy E has been on a few dates with Girl E. He was a complete gentleman in the beginning, organizing beautiful dinners and excursions for them. His attitude was respectful and kind. He regularly tells her how much he enjoys their time together. Girl E finds herself seriously falling for him. She is excited that she’s finally met someone who treats her right. However, despite him initially making big efforts to pursue her, his attitude gradually changes.

He no longer plans dates in advance. Instead, he messages her at his own convenience to come over to his place to watch Netflix. This is usually after he’s finished meeting his friends. “Not sure what time I’ll be done but I’ll message you after.” She willingly goes each time. It’s super confusing for Girl E. He still makes comments about how wonderful she is. Deep down though, she feels that he is making a lot less effort. She feels that everything has become on his terms. However, she has really fallen for him and will take any opportunity to see him.

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Remember: actions speak louder than words

It’s tricky when you have feelings for someone who is playing you hot and cold. While it may be obvious to your friends that this person is playing it hot and cold, it may not be as obvious to you. The problem is that when we like someone, we often overlook undesirable behaviour. You may even find excuses for them to justify their actions. For example, “well, technically we didn’t make concrete plans to meet so it’s ok that he cancelled on the day.” Or, “he had a bad experience with his ex-girlfriend, probably he’s scared of making a commitment.”

The key is to focus more on their actions over time, as opposed to one-off things they may have said. It’s easy for someone to say the words “I’m really serious about you.” However, to demonstrate this consistently in their actions is a different story. Do they reliably make time to be with you? Do you communicate often? Someone who is serious about you will not ditch plans at the last minute without a good reason. Nor will they treat you as a back up. They will not disappear without reason or ghost you. They will make you feel as though you are one of their priorities.

Are promises kept?

Often when someone is playing it hot and cold, they can easily say things that sound wonderful. For example, they may suggest fun outings for the two of you. They may say “I’ll have to bring you to (name of place) some time, you’d really love it.” It could even be as simple as saying “I’ll call you tomorrow.” However, their ideas often do not turn into reality. While they may occasionally follow through, chances are, they usually don’t. They may forget all together about the plans they’ve suggested, or they may make lame excuses.

The person playing hot and cold may only make effort when you are pulling away

A dangerous cycle to get trapped in is when the person you are dating only treats you well when you pull away. They may have a tendency to take you for granted when they are confident you like them. This allows them to get ‘lazy’ and put less effort into the relationship. However, if they sense that your feelings for them are faltering, their attitude changes. They may fear losing you all together. Chances are, they had been so comfortable having you around as a reliable safety net.

Even if they suddenly ‘change’ and start treating you well again, it may be short-lived. Once they are confident that they’ve got you back where they want you, they return to their previous ways. Their short period of treating you well and being reliable is over. Again, you find yourself unsure of where you stand. It can be hurtful as you perhaps thought that things would be ‘different’ this time round.

Excitement followed by disappointment

When the other person is playing you hot and cold, you may often find yourself disappointed

Dating someone who is playing you hot and cold sets you up for an emotional rollercoaster. When they treat you well, you may feel content that your feelings are reciprocated. Perhaps the two of you do genuinely have a great time together. However, when they suddenly go cold, it can be heart-wrenching. The person who was warm and affectionate now gives a totally different vibe. You may feel disappointed or rejected. Unfortunately, it can be easy to get hooked to this kind of relationship. Somehow, the ups and downs create an element of mystery and excitement. Perhaps you’ll be able to win them over eventually?

You can speculate all you want but the question is: Are you happy?

Of course, there are a wide range of reasons as to why someone would behave in this manner. They may be a commitment-phobe. Or, they may simply wish to keep their options open while enjoying the security of a cosy relationship with you. They may even have serious issues themselves. You can speculate on the potential reasons all you want. However, you have to ask yourself if you are happy having a relationship with this person. They have shown you that they are inconsistent in their attitude towards you. It’s hard to know what to expect from them. Is this something that you really want to be involved in? Even if you like them a lot, it’s unlikely you will feel fulfilled in the long-term.

How to deal with someone who treats you hot and cold

A sensible approach would be to bring up your concerns with the person you are seeing. You may consider expressing firstly that you do enjoy their company and being together. However, it concerns you when their behaviour changes suddenly. For example, when they become unreliable, less responsive, or just ‘go cold’ on you. Ask them if they have anything to say on the matter and give them a chance to speak. At least you will gain some insight into how they view things.

The key here is finding out if they genuinely care about your concerns, and whether you can agree on a plan to working on the relationship. You may even discover that they have serious issues that make them push others away or unwilling to commit. On the other hand, it’s possible they become defensive and argumentative and deny everything. At the end of the day, how they respond to your bringing it up will give you more idea as to whether this is a person you want to continue seeing.

Dating someone who is playing hot and cold: Is it really worth it?

At the end of the day, dating someone who is playing you hot and cold can be difficult. Most likely, you have feelings for this person, which is why you are willing to tolerate their behaviour. However, the reality is that someone who plays it hot and cold is simply not consistent in their feelings towards you. You can justify their actions all you want, but there is something preventing them from treating you well consistently. It could be that they are simply not as into you as you believe. By playing you hot and cold, they can maintain their own personal space and freedom.

Only you know whether it’s worth being with someone who is playing you hot and cold. One person may feel the other person has genuine reasons for doing so and be willing to stick it out patiently, due to their strong feelings for them. This is not easy as it’s likely to be lonely at times and take a toll on one’s self-esteem. Their friends and family may find it painful to witness, too. However, another person may decide that this kind of relationship is just not fulfilling. Instead of being with someone who is unsure and unreliable, they would rather be with someone who consistently treats them well.

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