Updated: 2nd March 2023
Have you been ghosted or are they playing hard to get? When you like someone, it can be hard to look at things rationally. Maybe you have a crush on them but simply cannot tell if they like you back. It could be that they see you as a friend and are just being polite. Or perhaps you’re already ‘kind of’ seeing this person but are struggling to figure out whether the feeling is mutual. If they seem to be taking their sweet time to reply your messages it can tricky. The difficulty is differentiating whether they are truly slow or whether you are over-analyzing. Then, what about if they don’t reply for a few days, have you been ghosted?
Ultimately, the intention of someone who is ghosting you couldn’t be further from someone who is playing hard to get. The ghoster is not interested in a relationship with you and wishes for you to be out of their life. The person who is playing hard to get, however, is definitely interested. However, they may have certain reservations dating you. They may even simply be busy (perhaps with other suitors!). When someone is playing hard to get, they will reciprocate your interest but will control the pace at which the relationship progresses.
Have you been ghosted or are they playing hard to get? Things to consider
If you haven’t heard from someone for longer than usual, this can be disappointing if you are interested in them. There are several factors one can consider when determining whether someone is ghosting you or playing hard to get. It’s also worth considering that if you feel someone is playing hard to get- are they really worth you putting in the effort to win them over? Only you know the answer to that.
Related: 5 Telltale Signs He’s Acting Distant
How do they usually interact with you?
If someone is attracted to you and playing hard to get, they will reciprocate your advances- at least a bit. Even if they do not wear their heart on their sleeve, you should find that over time they become warmer towards you. They will respond positively if you flirt or tell jokes or funny stories. His or her body language will be warm and open. They may even begin to share more personal details of their life i.e. open up to you. If you suggest making plans in the future, they are likely to be happy about this, even if they wish to take things slow.
A ghoster, on the other hand, is likely to keep you at arm’s length. It may be difficult to understand what they are thinking. When you try to flirt with them, they do not reciprocate. You may feel as though you are shut out of their life. When you speak about the future, they may stay quiet or appear unenthusiastic. They will probably make little effort to initiate conversation, let alone make plans to meet up.
Someone playing hard to get will have offered an alternative if they needed to cancel plans
If the other person ends up cancelling plans you’ve made, how do they go about it? If they are interested in you, they will most likely apologize and suggest an alternative day that you can meet. They will not simply cancel and leave it at that, as they also want to see you. However, the person who is likely to ghost you, does not really care about cancelling. They are far more likely to cancel at the last minute, be generally flaky and give lame excuses for not showing up. Their aim is to eventually break off contact with you and it may occur gradually.
Someone who wants to ghost you will offer lukewarm replies or leave your messages unanswered
A ghoster does not really care about you or your feelings. They may be somewhat interested, but certainly do not share the same level of your interest and attraction. Therefore, they may reply to your messages with short responses that do not continue the conversation. You might find your messages are often unanswered and you are always the one initiating conversation. When you invite them to hang out, they might sometimes agree. Other times, they may seem lukewarm or even turn down your offers.
Have they ever expressed what their feelings for you are?
If this person has previously already stated how they feel about you, this is a clear indication as to whether they are now ghosting or playing hard to get. Someone who has already told you that they like you or really enjoy spending time with you is far more likely just playing hard to get. They may simply be taking things slow and get to know you over time.
If, however, they have told you that they do not see you ‘that’ way or are not interested, you have to respect this. Alternatively, they may have told you that they only see you as a friend and have already friend-zoned you. They may continue to reply you out of politeness but this does not mean that you have a chance. If he or she then stops replying all together, it’s reasonable to assume that you’ve been ghosted. After all, they’ve already spelled it out very clearly to you by telling you they are not interested.
Related: Should I Text A Guy Who Ghosted Me?
The person playing hard to get will let you win them over bit by bit, the ghoster won’t
Someone who is playing hard to get is actually pleased deep down that you are doing the chasing. They also feel attracted to you but are conscious about letting things progress too quickly. However, if you continue speaking to them and seeing them, you’ll feel that slowly you are managing to win them over. Their affection for you will grow slowly over time. You may find that they begin to respond quicker to your messages, or you gradually begin to gain more importance in their life.
The ghoster, on the other hand, will likely have been difficult to win over throughout. Despite your best efforts, your feelings are never reciprocated. They may behave hot and cold and seem to change their mind about you often. You may never feel that they prioritize spending time with you. It’s hard to know where you stand with this person. Perhaps they only bother with you when it’s convenient for them, or they have nothing else to do. You will probably be unsure as to where the ‘relationship’ is going, if you can call it that.
How long has it been since they replied you? Are you over-analyzing?
Ok, so you really like this person. Maybe you would like them to respond to you within the hour every time. Wouldn’t that be nice? Sorry, but you need to take a step back and relax. While it is exciting, especially during the early stages of getting to know someone, to receive those eagerly-awaited messages, you need to stay rational.
If someone takes a day to reply, this might simply be normal for them. Everyone has different communication styles and different priorities. It may be that they are just not very expressive over messenger apps and prefer to do any proper talking face to face. Of course, over time, they would presumably start to reply more frequently if the relationship develops into something more serious.
If you find it difficult to resist checking your phone for signs of them, then try to keep yourself occupied with other things. Get stuck into some work or go out and meet other people. Try to take it easy and stop analyzing every message they sent or how long they take to reply. After all, it’s far more appealing when someone is happy and busy living their life to the fullest.
Related: How Many Days Is Ghosting?
Someone playing hard to get won’t disappear for long periods of time
Putting it simply, someone who is merely playing hard to get will not disappear for long periods of time e.g. several days. They do have feelings for you, even if they may not be as invested as you are. Overall, they are happy to speak to you and see you. Unless they have a legitimate reason for being out of touch for a long time e.g. traveling and unable to use messenger, they will certainly make an effort to stay in touch. If they seem to be taking longer than usual to reply and you reach out to them, they will explain if something’s up. After all, they want the relationship to continue.
If someone is ghosting you, they will disappear without warning and offer no explanation. Any attempts to find out why they’ve suddenly gone MIA will be futile. They do not care to explain why they are no longer interested. Instead, they have chosen to ignore you, hoping that you will eventually get the message.
Have you been ghosted or are they playing hard to get? Remember: someone who is interested won’t leave it too long to contact you.
In conclusion, even though it can be difficult to decipher what someone’s behaviour means during dating, you should have some gut feeling as to whether this person is genuinely interested or not. If everything was going well and they were becoming warmer to you over time, this is a good sign. Ultimately, someone who is playing hard to get is happy that you are putting in the effort into pursuing them, and will respond positively to this, even if they need time. A ghoster, on the other hand, was likely inconsistent from the start, or at best, lukewarm. It’s unlikely they were excited by the idea of future planning.
When deciding whether someone is ghosting you or playing hard to get, understand that someone who is playing hard to get is interested. They do care about your feelings and are keen. Chances are, they are enjoying the process of getting to know you better and seeing where things go. Therefore, they are unlikely to disappear for days on end. Deep down, they may even be just as keen on the relationship as you are, even if they are trying not to make it too easy for you.
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