Are you in your 30s and active on the dating scene? You’ve probably noticed that dating is significantly different compared to when you were, say, 23. Dating in your 30s can offer certain advantages. For example, you probably know yourself far better than you did 10 years ago. As a result, you’ll be clearer about what you want in life and in a partner. You may even be better at communicating and caring for another person in a relationship. While dating in your 30s can be fun and rewarding, there are certain challenges that you’ll have to deal with.
What are the specific challenges of dating in your 30s?
Dating in your 30s Challenge 1. There are less singles available
If you’re dating in your 30s, you’ll almost certainly find that there is a smaller pool of single people to mingle with compared to during your 20s. With many people starting to settle down and get married in their 20s, the only singles left are the ones who haven’t found their lifelong partner, or do not wish to settle down yet. Even if they are not married, chances are they’ll be in a relationship.
This can be challenging if you are single and all the people you know are already married or taken. Instead of socialising with groups of single people, you may find your social gatherings involve many couples. With fewer singles available, it can be harder to find new people to date. You may even find that you have fewer people to go out with, say, for a night on the town. They may be busy with their partners or even kids.
Dating in your 30s Challenge 2. The people you meet may have baggage
As we go through life, we experience dating different people and relationships that come and go. A man or woman in their 30s will almost certainly have had more relationships than someone you met in your early 20s at college. While relationship experience is valuable, sometimes negative experiences in relationships can leave people with emotional scars and even psychological issues. For example, someone who has been cheated on in a previous relationship may later have trust issues in future relationships. This may require time and patience to deal with.
Divorcees
If you’re dating in your 30s, you’ll definitely encounter your fair share of divorcees on the dating scene. With many marriages ending in divorce, it’s clear many relationships simply do not work out in the long term. Dating divorcees can offer both pros and cons. On one hand, they may be more used to being in a serious, committed relationship and may even be looking for another one. They likely enjoy having a committed partner in their life and are also able to accommodate another person’s needs.
However, some marriages end bitterly and may result in one or both partners with anger and unresolved issues. Furthermore, they may still have many ties to their ex-wife or ex-husband, e.g. financial ties, housing, children. Some people can even become commitment-phobic after a messy divorce as they simply do not want to take on any big responsibilities.
Dating someone who has kids
In your 30s, you may end up dating someone who already has kids. Some people find that dating someone with kids is desirable as they may exhibit the qualities of being a good parent. They may be very devoted to their children and seem more stable and mature than other 30-something year olds.
Someone with kids may have less time for you
However, dating someone with kids may be more complicated than dating someone without kids. For example, they may have a set routine in which they spend a certain amount of time with their children. It may be more difficult for them to dedicate time towards their relationship with you as they already have their hands pretty full. You also have to deal with the children themselves; if the kids don’t like you this will inevitably cause problems.
Is their ex still in their life?
There may also be issues with child custody e.g. they may share custody with their previous partner. You may have to accept that their ex will always be in their life due to them sharing custody of the children. The fact that they have children may also influence their plans for the future e.g. where they can live or how they live their life. If you are someone who definitely wants to have children, you’ll need to find out if this is something that they are open to, too.
Related: Dating for Marriage: 7 Top Tips
Dating in your 30s Challenge 3. You may find it difficult to find the time to date
If you’re someone who’s dedicated the best part of your 20s towards your career, you may find that you’re now starting to see the results of your hard work. Perhaps now that you’re in your 30s, you’ve progressed significantly in your career and feel more secure financially, too. However, you may also find that your career occupies a huge part of your time. It may be difficult to even find free time for yourself, let alone the time to date. Some people find in their 30s that they have attained career success but have missed out on other parts of life, such as dating.
Dating in your 30s certainly requires time and effort, perhaps even more so than when you were younger. When people are in their 20s, it’s easier to meet people e.g. through college, parties or in the work place. However, in your 30s, there are fewer singles around and you’re more likely to have more of a fixed routine and fixed places that you go.
Dating in your 30s Challenge 4. You’re more likely to be looking for a serious relationship now that you’re in your 30s
In your teens and 20s, dating can be fun as you can often take relationships as experiences and not have any specific outcome in mind. You can enjoy dating different types of people and simply enjoy it while it lasts. However, many people in their 30s will be looking for more serious relationships, such as marriage. It’s much harder to find someone to marry than it is to find someone to date for a short period of time, just for fun.
This is not to say that people in their 30s are all looking for something serious. There are plenty of 30 something year olds who are still wanting to play the field. However, if you are the type that is looking for something serious, you’ll certainly need to be savvy when dating. Not only do you need to be selective about who you date and avoid time-wasters but you need to be …
Dating in your 30s Challenge 5. You have to deal with practical issues like finances
When you are dating in your 20s, you may be more open to dating people without caring too much about whether it will progress into a serious relationship. When you are simply looking for fun or new experiences, you can enjoy the company of others with no strings attached. However, in your 30s, you are more likely to be dating with the intent of it becoming something serious. Perhaps you’re ready to find a long-term partner that you can live with or potentially marry. With these kinds of expectations, you’re likely to be far more selective when choosing who to date.
Dealing with practical issues like finances is more likely to crop up when you are dating in your 30s. It’s simply not the same as when you were both, say, penniless students, or living at home with family. In your 30s, you are more likely to be financially independent, as are they. If you get into a serious relationship with someone else, you may be considering moving in together or committing to being long-term partners or marrying. This requires both of you coming up with a plan on how you will deal with finances.
Dealing with finances will require good communication between the two of you
Finances can be tricky to deal with and will require both honesty and good communication from both sides. For example, how will you share household expenses? How will you split the costs of rent or a mortgage? Can you tolerate each other’s spending habits? Do either of you have debts? Getting married to someone with major debts will inevitably affect you, too. Basically, there’s no ignoring finances in a serious relationship. You will have to deal with any financial issues together and come up with long-term solutions that you are both happy with.
Dating in your 30s Challenge 6. Dating a wider age range of people than you did in your 20s
The average age of marriage in the US stands at around 34 years of age. If you’re dating in your late 30s e.g. 38, you may find that there are few singles around that are a similar age to you. This then leaves you with two options, date younger or date older people. For example, a 38-year-old lady may find that many of the singles she meets are younger guys in their early 30s who’ve not yet married. Or, she may encounter divorced men who are significantly older in their 40s or 50s.
Are you willing to be flexible about age?
If you’re dating in your 30s, you’re more likely going be slightly more flexible in terms of the age range you are seeking. Having said that, this may not cause any issues at all. You may prefer someone older who is mature and knows what they want in life. Perhaps a man who’s been through divorce offers the advantage of truly knowing what qualities he values in a wife. Or, you may find that dating a guy 5 years younger when you are in your 30s is not actually that big a gap, after all. It’s more about one’s personality and their life experiences.
Top tips for success when dating in your 30s
Dating in your 30s Tip 1. Be true to yourself
Being true to yourself is important for dating at any age. However, this is especially true in your 30s and if you are looking for something serious. It’s important to be realistic with who you are and what makes you happy. For example, if you love the outdoors and spend all your free time in nature, it’s not realistic that you will be happy with someone who hates the outdoors and would rather bury their face in books at home. Or, if you believe strongly in marriage and a traditional family unit, whereas the person you are dating is marriage-averse, this is most certainly going to cause conflict and leave at least one of you unhappy.
Unfortunately, while love is essential in a healthy relationship, love alone does not necessarily equate to relationship success. Having similar outlooks on life and whether your partner can offer you the things you need to be happy in a relationship are extremely important. For example, two people may love each other dearly. However, if one person wants kids and the other one doesn’t, this is very tricky to deal with. This may even lead to the relationship ending if neither person is willing to change their views.
Dating in your 30s Tip 2. Be honest with what your intentions are
Being honest with your intentions in dating involves you being honest with yourself and the other person. If you are looking for marriage, you are simply not going to be happy if you date people who are commitment-phobic, simply looking for fun or confused. You need to judge whether the person you are dating is potentially marriage material and if the answer is obviously ‘no’ then you’d be better not wasting your time.
Be honest with the other person too
On the contrary, if you are simply looking for no-strings attached relationships and the person you are dating is obviously seeking marriage, you’d best be honest with them, too. No one likes to feel like they’ve poured their heart and soul into someone else hoping it will lead to marriage, only to find out that the other person was not serious all along. While there are no rules set in stone when it comes to dating, it’s good practice to treat others respectfully even when things don’t work out. Perhaps the good karma will come back your way.
Dating in your 30s Tip 3. Seek someone whose core values match yours, not perfection
Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. Perhaps it’s important to you that the man or woman you date shares the same religion as you. Or, that they are honest and trustworthy. It’s good to know what personality traits and values are considered essential to you, as you’ll be better at filtering at those who are not compatible. However, what’s not helpful is having a checklist of things that you ‘require’ in a partner that may not necessarily be that important in a relationship. Examples include physical characteristics such as hair colour or having a particular ‘look’ that you have historically gone for.
Sometimes it takes time to get to know someone’s true personality.
Being picky is a good quality. You don’t want to waste your time dating people that clearly have nothing in common with you. Furthermore, you absolutely don’t want to tolerate poor treatment during dating. Anyone who disrespects you or doesn’t truly care about your well-being is simply not worth the time and you’re better off alone. However, there’s a difference between being picky and impossible to please in your pursuit of perfection.
Accept that no one is perfect
Everyone, including yourself, has flaws and it’s not realistic that a single person will be perfect in every way. Instead of seeking perfection, perhaps decide which qualities are truly most important to you. For example, someone who is reliable, honest and enjoys a similar lifestyle to you. Be willing to look past superficial characteristics and you may have better luck finding the personality traits that are most important to you.
Dating in your 30s Tip 4. If you want to find dates, be active about meeting people
Are you someone who’s had exactly the same weekly routine for years and wondering why Mr. Perfect or Miss Perfect hasn’t appeared in your life? Well, the answer is, if you keep repeating the same actions, you’ll most likely achieve the same results. Perhaps you already know all of your friends friends and there’s no one dateable. Perhaps you love your workplace but it’s a dead end in terms of allowing you to meet new people.
Dating in your 30s will take initiative on your part. With fewer singles available, you may have to put effort into putting yourself out there and finding situations in which you can meet people. This may be outside your existing friendship group and outside your comfort zone. Hey, no one said dating in your 30s is easy. It’s possible you’ll have to try new hobbies or make an effort to extend your social circle. You may even wish to explore avenues that are new to you, such as online dating.
Dating in your 30s Tip 5. Don’t place unnecessary pressure on yourself
While it’s perfectly normal to be seeking a particular type of relationship while dating, it’s not helpful to put unnecessary pressure on yourself. For example, maybe now that you’re dating in your 30s, you may be looking for something more meaningful or serious. Perhaps you are looking for someone to settle down with and build a life together. However, it’s important not to place too much pressure on achieving a certain outcome. You also don’t want to subject your poor dates to a daterview.
You simply cannot control another person’s behaviour
The problem with placing pressure on yourself while dating is that you simply do not have control over many things. If you click with someone, you click. If you don’t, you don’t. There’s not much you can do about that. Furthermore, even if you meet someone and things seem to be going well, it may take time to understand what their true intentions are. Understanding another person’s values and outlook on life are crucial to determining whether the two of you have a long-term future together.
Putting it simply, even though you may want things to turn out a certain way, there’s not a great deal you can do to influence the outcome. Therefore, putting pressure on yourself while dating to meet ‘the one’ or get married, or even putting pressure on another person, is likely to be futile. In fact, it can have the opposite effect. If the other person feels that you have many expectations about where the relationship is headed, they may even be put off.
Dating in your 30s Tip 6. Don’t be held back by negative experiences or past relationships
Unfortunately, many people have their fair share of bad experiences when it comes to dating and relationships. Perhaps you’d invested a lot of time into a relationship with the hopes it had a future, only to be disappointed. You may have even been lied to or cheated on. Such negative experiences can have a lasting effect on a person and even cause significant psychological scars.
Just because you’ve been hurt before, it doesn’t mean you’ll be hurt again
If you’re in your 30s, you may have previously experienced the breakdown of a long-term relationship, or even marriage. Dealing with such issues can be difficult and take time to recover from. It’s important to allow yourself to heal from the pain you may have suffered so that you can move on. When you get back into the dating world, you simply don’t want to be carrying around anger, frustration or fears that resulted from your past relationships. Just because you’ve been hurt in the past, it does not mean that you will be hurt again. It’s important to view every new relationship as a fresh start and a clean slate. Otherwise, you run the risk of punishing your current partner for things that happened in your past.
Dating in your 30s may feel significantly different to dating in your 20s but there’s no need to despair
Dating in your 30s poses challenges such as there being a smaller pool of singles to choose from and encountering people who may have baggage from past relationships. However, dating in your 30s offers many benefits. Having had more experience in dating and being in relationships, you’re far more likely to understand yourself better and know what you want. Furthermore, you’re more likely to be stable in your career and life. As long as you stay true to who you are and are realistic about what you are looking for, there’s no reason why you won’t have a great time dating in your 30s.
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