Firedooring is a dating term that describes a one-sided relationship. Essentially, there is a power imbalance, with one person dictating the terms of the relationship. It could be that this person expects you to answer their messages immediately. However, when you try to message them, they take their own sweet time. They may regularly leave your messages unanswered. If you try asking them to meet, they aren’t particularly interested. It’s different if they suddenly want to hang out with you, though. They expect you to drop any prior commitments and be there when they want.
Unfortunately, firedooring is more common than you’d expect. People do tolerate and happily continue in relationships where they are being firedoored. Often, their friends will find it painful to watch. Firedooring can exist during the early stages of dating or even in long-term, committed relationships.
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Examples of firedooring in dating
Firedooring in dating example 1. The guy who is not available but asks you out at the last minute
A typical example is when the guy you like has shown some interest towards you. Perhaps he does message you frequently, or you’ve even been on a few dates. However, it’s hard to get a hold of him a lot of the time. Perhaps you haven’t established where the relationship is going, or if it is even a ‘relationship.’
Even if he does keep in touch with you, he rarely commits to making concrete plans. He happily makes plans with other people and will only ask you out if it happens to suit him. He may say something along the lines of: “I’ll be out for dinner with my friends but depending on what time I finish, maybe we can meet up? I’ll message you once I’m done.”
This type of guy is does not view meeting you as a high priority. He is keeping his options open and is essentially seeing if you’ll wait for him. He will happily go about his life and make plans with others. However, you will need to wait until he is done with his other plans. You cannot get a hold of him but he always expects you to drop everything for him. This guy is firedooring you.
Firedooring in dating example 2. The girl who only replies when it suits her… but she expects you to reply straight away
Perhaps you like a girl and have been messaging her. She seems interested and maybe even responds positively to your flirting. However, you can’t help feeling that things seem one-sided. Whenever you message her, she takes her sweet time to reply, sometimes days. If she messages you, though, she expects you to reply immediately. She may even express annoyance if you do not reply immediately.
Being in a long term relationship with someone who is firedooring you
Unfortunately, firedooring exists in long-term relationships, too. It often occurs when one person has strong feelings for the other person. This makes it easy to overlook the other person’s behaviour. Someone may like the other person so much that they are willing to do whatever it takes to be around them. However, the other person may not share quite the same level of affection. As a result, the other person hold the upper hands. Essentially, they have the power in the relationship. They know that they can put minimal effort and the other person will happily oblige.
We’ve all seen those relationships where one person will run around doing anything for the other person. They may constantly be concerned about the other person’s well-being and always tend to their needs. Meanwhile, the other person can simply sit back and relax. They enjoy the security of knowing that the other person is at their beck and call. As the relationship progresses and habits form, the person being firedoored may not even realize how imbalanced the relationship is.
But surely no relationship is exactly 50/50?
Absolutely. Relationships certainly involve a degree of compromise. Perhaps there are some areas in which one person contributes more, and the other less. It’s all about figuring out what works for the two of you. However, in firedooring, the power imbalance is almost totally one-sided. The relationship is basically dictated by one person alone. Someone who firedoors you in a relationship is only concerned with doing whatever they please, when they please. Deep down, they are unlikely to have much consideration for your feelings.
Why do people firedoor in dating?
There are several factors that contribute towards someone firedooring others in relationships.
Personality
Some people are naturally more dominant in relationships. They may only consider their own needs and are less empathetic towards others. It’s possible that they gravitate towards people who can accommodate them. They often prefer to be catered to in the relationship.
They’re not that into you but the relationship is convenient
Firedooring often involves one person who is willing to make big efforts to please the other person. This is despite the fact that they cannot expect the same treatment in return. The person doing the firedooring may find it very easy and convenient to remain in the relationship. After all, they don’t have to put in much effort themselves. It can be re-assuring for them to know that you are always around waiting for them.
Someone who firedoors you may be treating you in that way simply because they are not that into you. They may prefer keeping you around instead of being single. This way, they have someone available whenever they are bored.
Because they can
Ultimately, relationships require two people’s participation. Someone who continues in a relationship in which they are being firedoored is equally responsible. If you are dating someone and they have demonstrated firedooring behaviour, it’s important to decide whether you are happy with this.
If you allow someone to firedoor you, you are essentially showing that you are ok with it. The other person will continue to do so, assuming that everything is fine.
How being firedoored in dating can make you feel
It could be that even if other people feel your relationship is one-sided, you are totally fine with it. It’s important to bear in mind, though, whether you are making it too easy for the other person. A relationship in which one person is always making the effort can become tiring. It is important to assess whether the other person values you. You may eventually end up feeling let down if the other person never reciprocates.
What should I do if I think I’m being firedoored in dating?
Ultimately, it’s difficult to sustain a relationship in which one person holds all the power. Often, the person being firedoored will end up feel disappointed or mistreated deep down. They may have conflicted feelings, as they clearly like the other person a lot and want to be around them. However, when they are always treated as a low priority, they will likely feel unfulfilled.
If you feel that you are being firedoored in a relationship, it’s important to address this. Perhaps you genuinely think the other person is doing it obliviously, it may be worth bringing it up and explaining how it makes you feel. If they genuinely care about you, they should listen to your concerns. However, if you suspect they are just keeping you around out of convenience, it’s probably time to move on.
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