Dating someone with kids is drastically different to someone who has no baggage at all. Firstly, it requires a clear understanding of the other person’s life and the people in it. It’s likely that they have commitments with regards to childcare and their children’s welfare. They may need to prioritize their children over other aspects of their life. Your relationship expectations will have to be realistic and take into account the fact that the person you’re dating has kids and their hands are likely to be very full already.
If you’re dating someone with kids and the relationship is progressing, it’s likely you’ll meet the kids at some point. You’ll have to put in extra effort into building a relationship with them, which itself can be challenging. If you’re lucky, the kids may be sweet and easy to get along with. In the worst case scenario, they may resist accepting you into their lives and even purposely create friction. Furthermore, their ex may still be in their life. The person you are dating may have significant financial ties to their ex and may even regularly spend time with them. This may potentially trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity for you as their new partner.
Even if you love each other, dating someone with kids can be challenging
Dating someone with kids can be a huge undertaking that may challenge you emotionally. You’ll certainly have to be very understanding. You’ll need to accept that this person has other commitments and may not be able to prioritize your relationship at times, even if they do love you. Furthermore, your relationship with their kids may or may not be easy, let alone your relationship with the ex. Having said that, it’s likely that you’ve found some special qualities in this person that attracted you to them in the first place.
It’s not all bad news; someone with kids may have many appealing qualities that are probably what attracted you to them in the first place
Having kids often changes a person significantly. They are forced to learn how to be a parent, which is a huge responsibility. Caring for children and tending to their needs is a huge commitment and requires a huge amount of time, attention and even money. As a result, they may be far more mature than their peers without children. They simply may not have the time for frivolous pursuits and thrill seeking as they must think about feeding, clothing and educating their children.
Someone with kids has a lot of life experience
Someone with kids may appear more mature, grounded, and focussed, with their priorities set straight. The experience of raising children inevitably changes a person as their life has a new meaning all together. They may exhibit qualities of being a wonderful parent and love their children dearly. This can make them very attractive as a potential partner if they are clearly loving and responsible towards their kids.
Someone with kids may be clearer about what they want compared to someone without kids
It’s possible that someone with kids may be be looking for something serious while dating. Firstly, they simply do not have the time for drama. Secondly, they may be seeking a positive influence and stable environment for their kids and therefore very selective about who they get into a relationship with.
Ultimately, dating someone with kids can be incredibly different to dating someone who is childless and without baggage. Read on as we discuss the common challenges that one may face when dating someone with kids.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 1. There will be times where they prioritize the kids over you
Raising children is demanding and if the person you’re seeing is involved in their care, there will certainly be times in which they must prioritize their kids. Kids have a huge variety of needs. For example, they may have important events e.g. school competitions or parent teacher evenings in which both parents need to attend. The kids may even want to go on holiday with both of their parents. Or, unexpected things such as emergencies may occur, in which their parents need to suddenly drop everything to attend to. In any of these situations, it’s very possible that the person you are dating will prioritize anything involving the kids over any plans they’d made with you.
Essentially, someone who has kids in their life is likely to be extremely busy. Between work, raising kids and having a social life, free time can be difficult to come by. Even if they do love you, their time may simply be in short supply due to their various commitments. If you are dating someone with kids and love them dearly, it may be hard at times to accept not being the priority in the other person’s life. Perhaps you are extremely understanding of their lifestyle and responsibilities. However, you will have to accept there are times they may need to break plans with you in favour of the kids, who have many needs.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 2. Their ex-partner may still be in their life
Being a parent means being involved in all aspects of a child’s upbringing. This includes the child’s emotional needs, education and offering support, guidance and financial support throughout their lives. Even if a couple’s relationship breaks down, it’s likely that both parents will have roles in parenting the children. This may involve making joint decisions about the children as well as participating in important events together. As a result, it’s common for ex-partners with kids to regularly be in touch and see each other often after separation.
If you’re dating someone with kids, this may feel drastically different to dating someone who has no children and no ties to their ex. Perhaps you are understanding that their responsibilities as a parent require them to regularly communicate with their ex. However, there may be certain situations where the person you’re dating ends up spending significant time with them instead of you. To what extent should they include you in their plans? Are you happy with this? Even if they have a solely platonic relationship with their ex, it may bother you to have constant reminders of their past.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 3. The kids may not like you
If you’re dating someone with kids and their kids don’t like you, this can cause issues. Unfortunately, you may end up being on the receiving end of the kids’ anger and frustration. They may have been experienced first-hand their own parents’ relationship break-down. They may be unhappy about your relationship with their parent and intentionally act out. Furthermore, they might be jealous about you taking up their parent’s time and attention and feel neglected. This can result in further conflict between you and the person you are dating, as they may feel caught in the middle. It’s really luck of the draw when it comes to the kids; some people have no problems at all, whereas others end up dealing with a lot of drama.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 4. They may be emotionally complicated
The life of someone with kids will often be more complex than someone who is single with no ties. Aside from being responsible for the wellbeing of children (who may be young), they may have been through a difficult separation from their previous partner. This can result in emotional baggage that they carry around and potentially affect future relationships. For example, someone who’s been cheated on may have trust issues and fear putting trust in another person again. Or, they may have a negative view of marriage and be reluctant to make any serious commitments again. Any kind of emotional issues may result in them putting up walls so as to avoid experiencing the same kind of pain again.
Being in a relationship with someone who has emotional baggage can be difficult. Firstly, may have to deal with negative behaviour e.g. trust issues. In the worst case scenario, they may be emotionally volatile and even act out towards you. If they have fears of commitment, you’ll have to ask yourself whether you are willing to date them anyway. Patience and understanding will be essential to making things work.
Related: How to Meet Someone Without Online Dating: 7 Ways
Dating someone with kids Challenge 5. They may have serious financial responsibilities or even financial difficulties
Separating from a partner when you have kids can have serious financial implications on both parents. This is especially the case when the kids involve are young, or there are many children. It’s far easier when the kids are grown up and financially independent or working towards it, as they will not need to rely so heavily on their parents. If you’re dating someone with kids from a previous relationship, they’ll almost certainly have to contribute financially towards the kids’ expenses. These expenses can range from school fees and medical bills to holidays and recreational activities.
Raising kids = many expenses
Putting it bluntly, kids are not cheap. Depending on the person’s income and financial situation, paying for kids may even cause one to suffer financial hardship. Dating someone who has kids and is going through financial difficulties will inevitably affect your relationship. Firstly, they may be under a great deal of stress which can take its toll emotionally. Secondly, there may be limitations on the activities you can do together due to costs. They may struggle to make any big commitments with regards to your relationship as they are going through hardships.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 6. Having kids may affect their willingness to commit to you
Dating someone with kids is inevitably more complex than dating someone without this kind of responsibility. If they went through a messy breakup or divorce, they may even be facing custody battles with their ex. Not to mention, the kids may have taken a toll psychologically from the breakdown of their parents’ relationship. All of these factors can cause ongoing conflict and drama for both parents, long after the official end of the relationship.
Unfortunately, someone who has kids may find it difficult to make serious commitments to a future partner. This can be for a variety of reasons. Perhaps their life is very complicated as it is and they may be scared of taking on any further responsibilities. Or, if they went through a difficult breakup, they may fear going through the same kind of breakup again. It’s also possible that they fear commitment because getting re-married or having a serious partner may significantly affect the kids themselves. If the kids are opposed to their mother or father being with someone, this will inevitably influence their ability to commit.
A disclaimer: many people with kids are looking for something serious, too
This is not to say that this is always the case. There are certainly people with kids who seek a serious commitment as they know what they want and prefer a serious, stable partner in their lives. They may wish to have a secure relationship as this may be more favourable for the kids, too.
Dating someone with kids Challenge 7. Having kids may affect their desire to have children in the future
When dating someone with kids, another issue that comes into play is whether the two of you have compatible relationship goals. For example, if you are someone who always pictured having children of your own, you have to ensure that your long-term partner is on the same page. It can get complicated when you are dating someone with kids. Perhaps they are not very keen to have further children. Or, they may be against the idea of having more kids at all.
Unfortunately, many relationships break up despite two people loving each other. It’s important that both people are on the same page when it comes to important issues, such as wanting to have kids. If they are not on the same page, they must at least be able to reach a compromise that both sides can be happy with. When dating someone with kids, they have already experienced the process of having their own children. They also have a lot on their plate in terms of contributing towards their kids’ upbringing. Having further kids may be the last thing on their mind.
Be clear about what you yourself are seeking in a serious relationship
If you are contemplating becoming serious with someone who already has kids, it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you want in life and what is important to you in a long-term partner. This includes identifying your plans with regards to starting a family. You will need to explore what the other person’s views are relating to commitment, living together and having children. Only then will you know whether their future plans are compatible with yours and whether you can make it work together.
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