When it comes to dating, the people you’ll encounter will inevitably be seeking different things. Some may be looking for a cute companion to have fun with in the short-term. Others may be looking for something more serious e.g. a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Some will be searching for the right person to marry.
If you are dating for marriage, it’s important that your dating efforts align with what you are looking for deep down. Dating for marriage requires you to know what you are looking for and be able to identify the right kind of people to date. Furthermore, you need to build up that special relationship over time and hopefully it will ultimately result in marriage. While it sounds straightforward in theory, it can be difficult. Many people will admit to having experienced ups and downs during dating, before finally finding that special person they marry.
Why Marriage?
Our modern society has seen the rise of hook-up culture and casual relationships, not to mention those ‘kind of seeing each other’ relationships. However, many people do still seek do get married. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and a healthy marriage offers stability, security, long-term psychological benefits and even financial advantages. Getting married often strengthens a relationship to a greater extent than co-habitation. Many people view it as one of the biggest events of a lifetime and something to be celebrated.
How is dating for marriage different to casual dating?
Perhaps you’ve reached a stage in your life where you are ready to settle down and truly looking for that special someone to get married to. It could be that in the past you were happy to date people simply for the fun of it. Or, you may have been looking to experience different kinds of relationships without caring about how long they will last. However, if you’ve decided that you are looking to get married, this will have a big effect on who and how you go about dating. If this is you, you’ll probably have grown tired of dating people with whom you obviously have no future.
With casual dating, you may simply enjoy the fact that they have are decent company and you can enjoy activities with. Perhaps you are happy with having someone to simply hang out with without either of you making any serious commitments. You may feel no need to understand the other person’s values and life plans on a deep level as it simply doesn’t matter. Casually dating offers fun and flexibility as you don’t need to factor the other person into your life plans. However, it may lack the depth and emotional connection of a serious, committed relationship.
Dating for marriage is a whole other game
When dating for marriage, there are a wide range of things to take into consideration. Basically, if you are looking for someone to make a lifelong commitment to and build a life together, you need to truly be compatible. This means that your core values must be in line, and you must be able to combine your lives together in a way that is fulfilling for both of you. Issues such as religion, lifestyle, interests and habits will all factor in.
So, you’re looking for marriage, but are they?
What’s equally important is the other person’s views on marriage. For example, are they even looking to get married? What is their timeline for getting married? What are their views on family and kids? Or their views on marriage finances? Big discrepancies with regards to any of these issues will need to be addressed in order for the relationship to work.
Dating For Marriage Tip 1. Know yourself and be honest about the qualities that are essential to you in a partner
When dating for marriage, it is essential that you know what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and it’s important that you and your potential spouse are compatible in terms of personality traits and your outlooks on life. For example, you may be very family-oriented and spend a great deal of time with your family. Therefore, it is likely important to you that your future spouse also has strong family values. If they don’t, you’ll surely be wanting them to be respectful of the fact that you do. You’ll probably be keen for them to get along well with your family members.
Are they accepting of your interests?
If you are someone who loves spending all your free time outdoors, it will certainly be enjoyable if your partner also does. You’ll enjoy the same activities and experiences together. However, if they have a drastically different kind of lifestyle e.g. they enjoy spending most of their time playing video games indoors, this may become frustrating for you over time. It’s certainly good to have differences in a relationship to keep things interesting, however, you do need to have enough common ground in order to enjoy shared activities together.
Religion or faith can be very important, too. For example, if you are a dedicated Christian, it may be important to you that your partner shares your faith. If this is not a requirement for you, they will certainly have to be open-minded and accepting of your beliefs. The key is knowing being honest about what is truly important to you and choosing a partner who either shares similar beliefs, or will be open-minded towards yours.
Dating For Marriage Tip 2. Know your goals in life
Where do you see yourself in the next couple of years? What kind of life would you like to be living? How about further down the line? Do you see yourself globetrotting, living a nomadic life with your partner? Or do you picture a life in the suburbs with 3 kids and a backyard? The more honest you are with yourself about what you want in life, the easier it will be to identify someone long-term compatibility. Sure, it’s impossible to plan out every detail of life. However, if you are married to someone, you’ll need to both be able to achieve your goals in life while being committed to each other.
If someone’s goals are incredibly different, or may even conflict with yours, you need to ask yourself whether they would make a suitable partner. For example, if the person you are dating sees themselves moving back to their hometown to be close to their extended family, but you absolutely hate the area and the lifestyle there, this will be difficult. For a marriage to work out in the long term, there will be compromises to be made on both sides. However, you both need to be happy with the life that you share together.
Goals include financial ones, too
Financial goals are another issue that can cause conflict to arise. For example, maybe your partner’s philosophy is to save as much money as possible by cutting back on daily expenses and leisure activities. However, you are someone who lives for the moment and prefers to splurge on experiences and whatever makes you happy. Being with someone who you consider a penny-pincher may become frustrating over time. These are serious differences and will certainly need addressing before contemplating marriage.
Dating for Marriage Tip 3. Date the marrying type
If marriage is your ultimate goal, you are far better off dating people who are open to marriage and ready to settle down. This may sound obvious, but it can sometimes be difficult to identify who is genuinely keen to get married and who is not. This is especially true when you are first getting to know someone. It may sound like a loaded question, but it is often worth asking someone what they are looking for. Many people looking for casual relationships or something fun will often admit to it. If someone tells you they are not looking for a long-term relationship, you’d better believe it. Sure, you may be attracted to them and deep-down hope you can change their mind. However, if someone does not find the idea of marriage appealing, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle.
Your idea of a ‘serious’ relationship may not be their concept of a serious relationship
If you are dating someone who appears to be looking for something ‘serious,’ it’s also important to clarify what this actually means. When it comes to relationships, the term ‘serious’ can mean different things to different people. One person may view having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend as a serious relationship. However, this does not necessarily mean that they are keen to tie the knot and officially marry. For example, co-habitation without marriage has become extremely common in modern society. It’s worth bearing in mind that living together does not necessarily lead to marriage.
Dating for Marriage Tip 4. Be honest about your timeline for getting married
Even if the person you are dating is open to getting married further down the line, you also need to determine whether your timelines are compatible. For example, perhaps you are at a place in your life where you are keen to get married and have children in the next 2 years. If the person you are dating still wants to explore life without any big commitments and can’t see themselves getting married for another 10 years, this is a huge discrepancy. Realistically, this relationship will take a great deal of compromise and may be difficult for both of you.
Dating for Marriage Tip 5. Know how to spot the red flags of someone who’s not truly ready for marriage (even if they may claim to be)?
While dating, you may enter into relationships where the person you are seeing appears to be keen and open to marriage. However, as you get to know them better, you may still be none the wiser about what they truly want. They may be inconsistent, sometimes appearing keen to settle down but other times unsure. What can be even more confusing is when the person is confused themselves. Perhaps they claim to want to get married, but their actions aren’t exactly in line with this. Here are certain red flag behaviours to look out for:
- They act immature for their age
- They struggle to let go of ‘single life’ e.g. partying until late, flirting with others
- They prioritize their life and freedom above your relationship
- They are keen to bail when your relationship hits a bump in the road
- They view marriage as being ‘locked down’ rather than something to look forward to
- All their friends are single and living it up
- They are not keen to get involved in your life, including getting to know the important people in it
- They seem to be living day to day as opposed to planning for the future
- They may suggest future plans but things never seem to materialize
- They don’t go out of their way for you
Dating for Marriage Tip 6. Be prepared to work through differences
If you are dating for marriage, it’s imperative that you are both prepared to deal with any conflicts that may arise. Perhaps when you were younger and dating for fun, it was easy to adopt a ‘my way or the highway’ approach to dating. After all, you may have known these relationships were not going to lead to marriage. Therefore, working through issues or compromising may not have been on the top of your list. However, if you are in a committed relationship and heading towards marriage, it’s inevitable that disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflicts will arise at some point. After all, you are two different people with different perspectives and beliefs.
When difficulties in a relationship arise, good communication is key. Try to deal with issues that arise straight away rather than trying to bury them even when they bother you. Instead of being quick to blame, try your best to adopt an open mind. It’s more constructive to find out the facts of the situation and be clear about what the conflict is actually about. Furthermore you may need to explain to your partner how the situation makes you feel and why.
Try to listen and understand
Listen carefully to what the other person has to say and try to understand things from their point of view. See conflict as an opportunity to try and understand each other better and come up with a mutual solution. After all, if you are both in it for marriage, you’ll need to be able to deal with conflicts in a constructive way.
Related: How to Meet Someone Without Online Dating: 7 Ways
Dating for Marriage Tip 7. Don’t place too much pressure on getting married
Dating for marriage can be stressful. For example, if you’re keen to get married but the dates you’ve been on have been nowhere near what you are looking for. Or the relationships you’ve been in have ended in breaking up and simply not yielded the results you’ve been looking for. If you’ve been disappointed several times, it can become tiring and frustrating. You may feel that everyone around you has already settled down yet you still haven’t. Or, you may be concerned that your biological clock is ticking. It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that placing pressure on getting married can be counterproductive.
The reality is that it can be very hard to find the right person
Nowadays, people have high expectations when it comes to choosing a partner. Furthermore, it can be difficult to make a commitment because many people fear needing to change their lifestyles or compromise for the other person. This makes it difficult to fall in love, let alone find a partner for marriage. The process can take time and trial and error, as you learn from different relationships more about what you want. Even if you are keen to get married, there’s no need to place pressure on finding a partner. You are far better off enjoying and making the most of your solo time.
Too much pressure may cause you to make the wrong decisions
Placing too much pressure on getting married may cause you to make rash decisions such as jumping into relationships. If you enter into the wrong relationship simply because you feel pressure to get married, it will likely not end well. Either you’ll end up unhappy or unfulfilled, or if you end up marrying them, you may end up divorced shortly after. Remember that getting married is a very personal decision and the most important thing is that you are ready, and the relationship is truly right for you.
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