Have you been dating a girl and recently discovered that her commitment to you is, well, non-existent? Or, maybe you’ve been aware that she’s been meeting other guys throughout the whole time you’ve been seeing each other. Either way, you may be asking the question: “the girl I’m dating is seeing other guys, what should I do?” In order to figure out what to do next, there are 4 important questions you need to ask yourself first.
Contents
- Here are 4 important questions you need to ask yourself first
- 5 possible reasons why she is seeing other guys despite dating you
- If you’re thinking “the girl I’m dating is seeing other guys,” here are 4 steps outlining how to deal with the situation
- If the girl you’re dating is seeing other guys, here are the key things to remember
Here are 4 important questions you need to ask yourself first
Question 1. What do you want?
Be honest when asking yourself ‘what do I want?’ Your kneejerk response may be something like ‘I want her to not date other guys, duh.’ However, it’s important to dig a bit deeper and look at the bigger picture. Do you want to go on casual dates with this girl with no strings attached? Or, are you looking for something more serious? What does ‘serious’ mean to you anyway? Does ‘serious’ mean dating someone exclusively for the time being? Or does it mean something more, like being in a relationship that can potentially lead to marriage?
It’s possible that you’re not even sure yourself about what you want. Maybe you simply like this girl, get along great and want to see where things go. That’s absolutely fine, too. It’s still helpful to be honest with yourself and identify this.
Question 2. How much do you like this girl?
Is this girl someone that you feel a special connection with and would be devastated to let go of? Or, is her companionship something that you’re enjoying for the time being, but nothing ‘that’ special? How do you feel about her? Are you still figuring out how much you like her? Or, have you already fallen head over heels? How much you like this girl will influence how you end up dealing with the situation.
Question 3. How does her seeing other guys make you feel?
For a guy, knowing that the girl they are dating is seeing other guys might result in him feeling:
- Unhappy, especially if he really likes the girl
- Jealous – a natural human emotion when we picture sharing someone that we have feelings for
- Insecure – “does she like the other guy more than me?”
- Confused – “how does she feel about me?” or “is she treating me as a backup?”
- Indifferent – “we never established our relationship as being exclusive so she’s allowed to date around” or “it’s no biggie since I’m dating other girls, too”
- Angry – “why is she doing this?”
- Disrespected – “It’s not respectful that she’s seeing other guys”
When you think to yourself “the girl I’m dating is seeing other guys,” how does it make you feel? And can you identify why? Perhaps you feel disrespected because you thought that your relationship had an implied degree of exclusivity, even if it was not explicitly stated. Or, maybe you feel unhappy and jealous simply because you really like her and don’t want to imagine going on dates with other guys.
Question 4. Are you seeing other girls?
If you’ve been focusing on dating this girl and have not been seeing other girls, it probably doesn’t feel great to imagine her going on dates with other guys. However, if you are seeing other girls, then frankly speaking, it’s reasonable that she has continued to see other guys.
5 possible reasons why she is seeing other guys despite dating you
Reason 1. Your relationship hasn’t been established as ‘exclusive’
In modern dating, it’s generally accepted that there is a spectrum of ‘seriousness’ when it comes to romantic relationships. This ranges from the early stages i.e. the first few dates, to regular ‘dating’ and then an ‘exclusive relationship’ which means having a degree of commitment to each other. Usually the term ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ involves exclusivity. After this may come more formal titles like being ‘partners’ or getting married.
Is the relationship between the two of you still fresh off the press? Or, do you consider yourselves to casually ‘dating’ without exclusivity? If the answer is ‘yes’ then, chances are, she does not consider your relationship an exclusive or committed one. She may feel that unless she is in an exclusive relationship then she is allowed to go on dates with other guys.
Even if you’re not technically in an exclusive relationship, it may still bother you that she’s seeing other guys
Of course, this is not to say that just because the two of you aren’t ‘exclusive’ that it won’t bother you to see her seeing other guys. You may really like her. Or, you may feel disappointed and jealous that she’s still entertaining other options despite dating you. Frankly speaking, how many guys really want to share the girl they really like with other guys?
She might not know how you feel about her
If your relationship is not exclusive and you’ve not had any conversations around what your relationship ‘is,’ she may be none the wiser as to how you truly feel about her. Unless you’ve explicitly told her how you feel, she may not be sure about how much you like her. It’s possible that she’s keeping her options open because she’s iffy about whether you are serious about her.
Reason 2. She’s figuring out what she wants
If the girl you are dating is seeing other guys, it’s clear that she is not 100% sure about being in an exclusive relationship with you. She might like you. She might even be really into you. However, for whatever reason, your relationship just isn’t at a point where she’s willing to rule out other guys. As a result, she’s not putting all her eggs in one basket and is exploring her other options.
She may be seeing other guys because:
- She’s not sure about what she wants with you
- She doesn’t know if she wants to be in a committed relationship at all
- She thinks someone else might be a better match
- She wants to play the field and explore
Related: Cushioning In Dating: The Tell-Tale Signs
Reason 3. She’s just not that into you
There is a possibility that she enjoys your company and is fine with going on dates with you, however, she isn’t really that into you. Maybe she feels that she’d still rather keep you around for companionship instead of being completely single. However, she doesn’t like you enough to be in a committed relationship. She might even be keeping you around as a backup until she meets a better guy.
Reason 4. She likes you but doesn’t see a future with you
Many girls, at some point, seek to build up a relationship with a guy they love and with whom they can build up a future with. However, many of the guys they meet and date will simply not fall into the category of a ‘guy with long-term potential.’ This is not to say that they won’t date guys for short-term, enjoy-the-moment relationships.
It’s possible that this girl views your relationship as something fun and enjoyable for the time-being. However, she does not consider you as someone that she can have a future with. As a result, she’s strategically keeping her options open in case she meets someone with actual long-term potential.
Reason 5. She thinks you’re seeing other girls
If the girl you’re dating is under the impression that you’re seeing other girls, she may feel that it’s fair game for her to see other guys. Even if you haven’t, her perception of you may be different. If you’re flirty with other girls in front of her, or if you tend to receive plenty of female attention, she may believe that you are dating around, too.
You can speculate all you want but you may never figure out why she’s seeing other guys unless you ask her directly.
The fact of the matter is, it’s unlikely you’ll understand why she’s seeing other guys while dating you unless you ask her. You can spend ages speculating or even asking your friends for their thoughts on the matter. However, the best way to understand why she is seeing other guys (if you truly want to know) is to ask her directly. Yes, it may be awkward and you may really not want to do it. However, it’s still better than wondering. At least you’ll have clarity and can figure out where you stand.
If you’re thinking “the girl I’m dating is seeing other guys,” here are 4 steps outlining how to deal with the situation
Step 1. Clarify the situation: is she really seeing other guys?
Firstly, are you sure that she’s seeing other guys? Perhaps you saw her at a coffee shop with another guy and concluded that she was on a date. However, it’s possible that you are wrong. Maybe that was an old friend, or a colleague, or even a relative. Even if you know for certain that she is seeing other guys, it’s still reasonable to clarify the situation with her.
Examples of what to say:
“Hey, I was just wondering if you are going on dates with other guys?”
“I noticed that you were having coffee with a guy earlier, was that a friend or were you on a date?”
“I saw that you updated your dating profile and was wondering if you’re seeing other guys.”
2. If she is, in fact, seeing other guys, then it’s a good time to ask why and explore how the two of you feel about each other
If she confirms that she is seeing other guys, then you may wish to go ahead and ask her why. Yes, this may be an awkward conversation. However, it’s still better that you gain some understanding of why she’s dating around and her thoughts on your relationship.
Here are some examples of what you can say:
“I really like you and feel we get along great. By seeing other guys, are you looking for something else?”
“I was wondering how you feel about me and our relationship. Could you share your thoughts with me?”
“Do you see our relationship going anywhere or is this something temporary for you?”
It’s also fair if you want to express your views on her seeing other guys, e.g.
“I was surprised to learn that you are seeing other guys as I felt that we had a special connection.”
“I feel upset by the fact that you are seeing other guys.”
“I really like you and am open to being exclusive as I see a future for our relationship. However, I cannot continue if you still want to see other guys.”
3. Depending on how she answers you, you can decide how to proceed
Your 4 main options are:
- Continue your relationship on the grounds that she can keep seeing other guys (perhaps both of you agree that you are free to date other people) i.e. the see how it goes approach
- Continue your relationship on the grounds that she stops seeing other guys i.e. introduce a degree of exclusivity
- End the relationship
- Take a break to think about things and re-assess at a later stage
When deciding how to proceed, take a moment to reflect on the 4 crucial questions from the start of this article. This will guide you in making the right decision for your current situation. Once again, these are:
- What do you want?
- How much do you like this girl?
- How does her seeing other guys make you feel?
- Are you seeing other girls?
After having a conversation with her about her seeing other guys and how she feels about your relationship, you can also ask yourself after gaining this new knowledge, do I feel that she and I want the same things? I.e. are we compatible?
Example A.
Say, for example, you are looking for something casual with no strings attached. You like this girl quite a lot but you’re not really going to cut off your other options for her. Seeing her date other guys makes you feel jealous but not heartbroken. In this situation, as you are looking for something casual, it’s actually pretty apt that she does not view your relationship as ‘serious’ herself. Since you’re not that keen to be in an exclusive relationship with her, you may be better off keeping your relationship something undefined where you both have the freedom to date around. Or, if you feel that it’s become more hassle than you initially imagined, you may even want to call it a day and end things.
Example B.
If you’re looking for a long-term partner and have been on many dates with this girl that have gone well, you may feel let down that she’s still seeing other guys. Even if you hadn’t had any explicit discussions about your relationship being exclusive, you may feel that if she really liked you and was looking for the same things, she wouldn’t be going on dates with other guys. You might even feel that there was some implied exclusivity between the two of you and be surprised by her actions.
If the girl you’re dating is seeing other guys, you probably won’t feel great about it. But by gaining clarity on the situation, you’ll be more equipped to decide what to do next.
Could it be that your values don’t align?
If you feel that her seeing other guys means there’s a mismatch between your values, then you might feel that it’s no longer worth seeing each other and break up. However, it may turn out that she has genuine reasons for seeing other guys that seem reasonable to you. If the two of you are able to talk it out and come to an agreement on how to move forwards, then great!
If the girl you’re dating is seeing other guys, here are the key things to remember
In conclusion, there can be many reasons as to why a girl may be dating one guy but still seeing other guys on the side. It could be something as simple as her not wanting to be in a committed relationship with anyone, full stop. Or, it could be because she is unsure about how the guy she’s dating truly feels about her and, as a result, wants to keep her options open.
If you’re a guy in this situation, you may feel confused or frustrated. However, it’s important to firstly identify what you want and how you feel about this girl. Following this, the only way to find out why she is still seeing other guys is to have an open, honest dialogue with her.
You can explore her feelings about your relationship and explain to her how her seeing other guys makes you feel. By doing so, at least you will have some understanding of what she is truly looking for and where you stand. After that, you can decide whether to continue dating her and hopefully come to a mutual understanding on how to proceed.
Enjoyed this article? You may find these articles useful:
