Updated 27th March 2023
It can be difficult to deal with ghosting, especially if you had strong feelings for the other person. After realizing that the person you’d been spending time with, has not lost their phone, but has, in fact, ghosted you, you may be overcome with feelings of frustration, foolishness, heartbreak, and maybe even anger. ‘How could they do that?’ you may wonder. At the end of a relationship, being denied the opportunity to voice your feelings or ask questions makes getting closure more difficult. It’s important to realize that everything you’re feeling is absolutely normal. Not sure what to do next? Here are some simple steps you can take to deal with ghosting.
How to deal with ghosting Step 1. Accept that you have been ghosted
If it’s been a significant length of time that they’ve been in touch with you, you’ve been ghosted. Finding excuses for their behaviour (“maybe they’re just busy?”) is not productive. You need to face the reality that you’ve been ghosted. If someone has ghosted you, they do not want the relationship to continue. The sooner you accept this, the better. If may be difficult to accept the fact that you have been ghosted if you still have feelings for them. However, it’s important to face the reality that they do not want to be with you. The last thing you want is to be hoping they will come back.
Accepting that you have been ghosted means recognizing that we have little control over the actions of others, especially in dating. The way people behave in relationships comes down to many factors, including ones personality, upbringing, cultural attitudes, past experiences and even insecurities. Even though you may have spent good times together, you need to realize that you are no longer with this person. It will enable you to take positive steps to deal with the emotions you may be feeling and move on.
Related: How Many Days is Ghosting?
How to deal with ghosting step 2. Stop wondering why you’ve been ghosted
People’s reasons for ghosting are so wide-ranging and are often due to factors that will never have control over. Although it can be tempting to dwell on the reasons why they may have ghosted you, doing so is unlikely to get you anywhere. At the end of the day, one could have been fun, intelligent and attractive, but still get ghosted. The fact that the other person ghosted you reflects them, not you. It demonstrates that they lacked respect for you and did not value the relationship. It’s clear evidence that they are not the right person for you.
How to deal with ghosting Step 3. Do not blame yourself
It’s important that you do not blame yourself for being ghosted. If someone ghosts you, you may feel foolish, embarrassed or even guilty. Many people may question themselves as to why they did not see it coming. They may feel foolish that they put so much trust in the other person or even developed strong feelings for them prior to being ghosted.
Unfortunately, ghosting has become a sad reality of dating. Dating requires opening your heart to another person and building up a relationship with them. Unless you decide to not date all together, there is always going to be some risk involved. The person you are seeing may turn out to be not who you thought they were. Or, you may misjudge someone or misinterpret their feelings for you. Most people will agree that dating can be really tough at times.
If you have been ghosted, try not to blame yourself. Most of the time it’s absolutely nothing to do with you or your actions. It’s simply not your fault. Many relationships will simply not work out as the two of you are not compatible. However, the ghoster is the one who lacked the decency to end things with you in a decent way.
How to deal with ghosting Step 4. Remove reminders of them
If you’ve been ghosted, removing reminders of the other person can help you stop thinking about them. The last thing you want to do is be wondering what they may be doing now or who they are seeing. Ultimately, it’s no longer your business. Some people find removing the person’s social profiles e.g. on Instagram or Facebook helpful. If they left belongings at your house, get rid of them. If possible, don’t frequent places where you run the risk of bumping into them.
Taking these steps mean you will have fewer reminders of them. It also makes it easier for you to resist the urge to reach out.
This brings us on to…
How to deal with ghosting Step 5. Do not contact them (aside from a final message to gain closure)
After being ghosted, some people like to send a final message to the ghoster. A message like this has no agenda and is not trying to salvage the relationship. This may be an acknowledgement that the relationship is over. Or, some people like to call the other person out for ghosting them and express how they feel. This can help one gain closure, especially if done in a mature way.
What you want to avoid doing is sending the ghoster angry messages expressing your newfound hate for them. You also want to avoid pouring your heart out or saying how much you miss them. If you find yourself missing them, remember that they ghosted you and you deserve far better than that. What are you really trying to achieve by reaching out again? The other no-no is asking them endless questions about why they ghosted you. It’s unlikely they will give you a truthful answer, if they do reply at all.
By not contacting the ghoster, you can preserve your dignity and respect. If you message them, it shows that you are hoping for some sort of response. However, this person clearly does not care about you or how you feel. You deserve someone who genuinely loves being around you, not someone who cuts you off. Therefore, you are better off focusing on moving on.
Related: 6 High Value Responses to Ghosting That Tell Your Ghoster You Are Better Off Without Them
How to deal with ghosting Step 6. Recognize and accept your own feelings too
Acceptance also involves recognizing your own feelings towards being ghosted. Relationships are certainly not black and white. It’s common after ghosting to have oscillating feelings towards the other person. Perhaps you genuinely had some amazing times together which you still treasure. Or perhaps they may said things that made you feel confident you two had a future together. On the other hand, the fact that they ended the relationship by ghosting you may have left you confused, angry or utterly devastated.
Lara’s story
“When I was ghosted by a guy I’d met online and had been seeing for four months, it was really upsetting. We’d been hanging out every week or so and I’d developed feelings for him. I thought that we were on the path to becoming serious boyfriend and girlfriend but he suddenly ghosted me. It was a huge shock.
I tried reaching out initially but he essentially blocked me, so I couldn’t even get in touch. It was the worst feeling honestly. I really enjoyed the times we’d spent together and felt we were compatible. I missed him a lot but at the same time felt cheated and angry he could do such a thing. This caused me to keep questioning why he ghosted me. Was it something I did? Did he meet someone else? Or, did he already have a girlfriend the whole time? Who knows.
It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was over and I would never see him again. In retrospect, I should have just moved on after he ghosted me. What kind of a guy does that anyway? He obviously wasn’t worth all my heart ache.”
Some people find it that writing down their feelings in a private journal enables them to express their emotions and let off steam. You may find some relief by speaking to a trusted friend or family member. Some people even seek the help of a professional therapist or psychologist. The advantage of seeking professional help is that they are used to dealing with problems such as relationship breakups. They are a non-judgmental, non bias source and everything you say is kept confidential.
Related: Have You Been Ghosted or are they Playing Hard to Get?
How to deal with ghosting Step 7. Be the best version of yourself
Being ghosted can be damaging to one’s self-esteem. This is especially true when someone had put a lot of effort into the relationship. They may feel that despite their best efforts, they were not ‘good enough’ and therefore got ghosted However, this is absolutely not the case. Success in relationships come down to compatibility in terms of personality, values and lifestyle. Obviously, the ghoster felt that you were not what they wanted for whatever reason. The way in which they ended the relationship (i.e. ghosting) obviously sucks, but the message is clear: you are not what they are looking for.
Being ghosted has no relation to your worthiness as a person or attractiveness to others. It simply means that you and the ghoster were not right for each other. Remember that in life, when one door closes, another one opens. Although it may not feel like it right now, the fact that you now know this person was not who you thought they were and the relationship is over, is a positive step. As you are no longer investing time into the wrong relationship, you create more space to attract the right ones into your life.
Reflection
You may never get the answers you seek as to why the other person ghosted you. However, it’s worth reflecting on whether this relationship taught you anything that you can apply to future relationships. This is especially useful if it’s not the first time you’ve been ghosted. Often, even the most painful experiences can make you learn a lot about yourself and what you are looking for. It may help you discover the qualities that you prioritize in a significant other.
For example, do you always fall head over heels for the charming, charismatic player-type guy? Do you totally ignore the guy who has shown through his actions over time that he truly cares about you? How do you feel around the girls you choose to date: confident and loved, or anxious and full of self-doubt? Perhaps next time you can establish earlier with the person you are dating how they view the relationship. It’s always good to ensure that you are both on the same page and avoid future misunderstanding.
Enjoy your life
Being ghosted by someone does not change the fact that you are an awesome individual with your whole life ahead. You deserve to have a fun, fulfilling life full of happiness and love! Go out with your friends and have fun, or reconnect with friends who you haven’t seen for a while. Furthermore, why not look after your health, body and take care of your appearance so that you feel and look great? If you have interests or hobbies that you’ve been neglecting recently, now’s the time to dive into them and enjoy. If you had invested a lot of time into that person, you’ll probably be surprised by how many social gatherings you’d missed out on. Now’s the time to get back out there!
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