Have you heard of cushioning in dating? First there was ghosting, then came zombieing and breadcrumbing. Let’s not forget mosting. As if modern daters didn’t have enough dating terminology to keep up with. And how do you know you’ve unknowingly become the target of someone’s cushioning tendency? Chances are, you may have even done it yourself. Yep, you may have unknowingly made someone your cushion. Here’s our quick guide to cushioning and how you can recognize it.
What is cushioning in dating?
Cushioning in dating is when someone who is currently involved in a relationship maintains a backup on the side. They may even maintain several backups. It could be that they are unsure about their current relationship. Perhaps the relationship is on rocky ground. They may have doubts about the other person. Or, they are not sure about whether the relationship has any future. They lack security in the relationship, causing them to seek out alternatives to cushion their landing, should the relationship eventually fail.
What kind of behaviour constitutes cushioning?
There are different extents of cushioning in dating. The mild version is when someone maintains a platonic relationship with another person outside of their romantic relationship. Deep down, they may know that there is something ‘there’ or romantic potential. However, this has not yet been explored. They may even know that this other person has feelings for them already. However, they have not acted on it and certainly have not done anything to cross the line.
That doesn’t sound all that bad… What about more extreme examples?
On the other end of the spectrum, cushioning can involve flirting, or in the worst case scenario, full on cheating. The person cushioning may be taking steps to ensure they have nurtured a solid foundation with the third person. They may be communicating regularly and expressing their interest. This may involve sending flirty messages or photos of themselves. They may be emotionally cheating or treating this person as a confidante. It’s possible they have even started a romantic relationship together.
Cushioning in dating: why do people do it?
The main factor is the person’s happiness and fulfilment in their current relationship. They are usually unhappy or feel that the relationship lacks something. It could even be that they are not being treated well by the other person. They may already be on their way out of the relationship but have not formally broken up yet.
The other possibility is that this person simply does not believe in commitment or exclusivity in relationships, at least on their part. They may be the type that constantly seeks and entertains interest from others even while being in a relationship. Cushioning may be a tendency that they carry throughout all of their relationships.
A smooth transition between relationships?
Cushioning allows someone to transition between different relationships without being alone. They have the security of knowing that someone else is waiting for them. Despite their current relationship being unsatisfactory, they may fear breaking up. Some people struggle with the idea of being single and jump from one relationship to the next. Unfortunately, there are also people who are serial cheaters.
What are the tell-tale signs of someone who is cushioning in dating?
If you are in a relationship with someone and suspect that they are cushioning, here are some clues to look for.
- They are regularly communicating with someone who you suspect has feelings for them
- This person shares their feelings and life events with someone who is not you
- They may even be meeting this person often
- Your gut feeling: sometimes you just know when that ‘friend’ is more than just a friend
If someone already in a relationship seems to be expressing interest in you, they may be cushioning.
- Is their relationship on rocky ground?
- Have they expressed to you a desire to leave the person they are seeing?
- Does this person jump from relationship to relationship, overlapping each time?
- Are your interactions more than what you would expect for ‘just friends’?
- Do they open up to you about personal and emotional issues?
- Do they flirt with you?
What should I do if I’m in a relationship with someone who I think someone is cushioning?
If you are in a relationship with someone and you suspect they are lining up cushions on the side, this may feel like a betrayal. Carrying these doubts during the relationship will inevitably affect your trust in this person. It may even trigger one’s jealousy and even self-doubt.
As with any relationship problems, communication is key. Try bringing up your concerns in a non-judgmental way. Allow them an opportunity to explain themselves. Don’t forget, it’s possible that you misinterpreted the situation all together. You may even wish to cut to the chase and ask if they are happy being with you and whether they see a future for the relationship. There’s nothing like the truth. At least you will have a clearer understanding of their behaviour and where you stand.
What if I think someone is cushioning…with me?
If the person in question is currently in a relationship and seems to be making inappropriate advances towards you, be careful. Based on their behaviour, the things you know about this person are:
- They are clearly unfulfilled in their current relationship
- Either they are not willing to break up or they are unable to constructively work on their relationship problems
- They are seeking out external attention and/or reassurance
- They are likely being dishonest towards their partner
You may even have feelings towards them yourself. However, bear in mind that their behaviour is far from ideal. Is this really the kind of person you want to be with? Every relationship has its ups and downs but how one deals with problems is a true test of character. Are you truly okay with being someone’s backup while they juggle relationships?
Only you know whether you can accept someone who is currently in a relationship and cushioning. Beware though that deep down, they are likely conflicted about what they want. They are therefore creating a backup plan. In the end, they may even decide to stay in their current relationship. It can therefore be emotionally draining dealing with the uncertainties, ups and downs. If you end up becoming emotionally invested into someone who is cushioning, it can be confusing. It may even affect your self-esteem.
Daters need to watch out for cushioning
Cushioning in dating is a dishonest behaviour. The person who cushions may be genuinely conflicted about their current relationship. They may struggle with whether to stay or go. On the other end of the spectrum, the cushioner may be a serial cheater who habitually maintains outside interest despite being in a relationship.
It’s certainly not a nice feeling
Cushioning can be subtle and difficult to notice at times, especially if the person is being discreet about it. Being in a relationship with someone who you suspect is cushioning is not a nice feeling. If you feel they are worth it, it may be worth addressing whether they are happy in the relationship. From there, you can decide together how to work on any issues that arise.
On the other hand, perhaps you yourself have someone become the target of someone else’s cushioning behaviour. Getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship is far from ideal. You risk being on the receiving end of their relationship drama and doubts. Not to mention the fact that they have demonstrated a degree of dishonesty. If you have spotted someone who is cushioning, it is up to you to determine whether you can accept this. It almost certainly will not be an easy ride.
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