Updated 12th September 2023
Contents:
- What is Zombieing?
- What actions constitute zombieing?
- Why is zombieing so confusing?
- Why do ghosters become zombies?
- How to deal with zombieing
- I can’t decide whether I should respond to my zombie or not. Help!
- A final word on zombieing
If you thought being ghosted was confusing enough, then you haven’t been zombied
Zombieing is the sequel to ghosting that is likely to leave you even more puzzled. Zombieing is when a person who previously ghosted you suddenly re-appears in your life. Perhaps you had dated them briefly, or perhaps you two had a full blown relationship prior to them ghosting you and disappearing from your life.
What is zombieing?
As the term suggests, zombieing is when someone seemingly dead comes back to life. In relationship terms, it occurs after ghosting. With ghosting, the person may have suddenly cut all contact without any prior warning. Or, they may have gradually become less and less responsive until communication (and the relationship) grinds to a halt.
During zombieing, the other person suddenly reappears in your life. They may reach out on Whatsapp or Instagram with a seemingly innocent “Hey, how’s it going?” Or, they may even send you a longer, more ‘concerned’ message, perhaps to compensate for the fact that they previously ghosted you. Either way, being zombied usually occurs out of the blue and can be seriously confusing. After all, they previously ignored you. What do they want now?
What actions constitute zombieing?
Zombieing includes any form of them reaching out to you. This might be a full-on conversation or a lame, flakey message which means nothing.
If your ghoster zombies you, this may involve them doing the following:
- Texting you to see how you’re doing or even wishing you happy birthday
- Apologizing for ghosting you
- Calling you up
- Asking you to meet up
- Posting on your social media stories or sliding into your DMs
- Sending you a gift
Related: The Guy Who Ghosted Me Wished Me Happy Birthday. What Does He Want?
Why is zombieing so confusing?
Most people will agree that being ghosted sucks. Not only is it frustrating that someone you had a relationship with suddenly disappears, but their lack of explanation can also make it extremely difficult to move on. It’s far more difficult to get over being ghosted if you’d invested a lot into the relationship.
When someone then gets zombied, this will usually come as another unexpected surprise. The ghostee may have finally moved on from being ghosted, only to suddenly receive a random message from their ghoster. This may trigger the ghostee to relive the hurt and frustration they initially felt from being ghosted. They may feel utterly confused and wonder what the ghoster wants. They might also feel conflicted as to whether they should communicate with the ghoster, who has now become a zombie.
After a ghoster resurfaces and becomes a zombie, it may cause the ghostee to wonder:
- What does he/she want?
- Does he/she still have feelings for me?
- Do they want to get back together?
- Does he/she regret ghosting me and feel bad about it? Or are they trying to pretend it didn’t happen?
- Should I bother responding or listening to what they have to say?
- Do I want this person in my life at all?
- Should I ignore them or tell them to leave me alone?
- Does a part of me still have feelings for them?
Why do ghosters become zombies?
The type of person who ghosts and then zombies is usually flakey with a capital F
Someone who ghosts and then becomes a zombie is clearly indecisive about what they want. Furthermore, it’s unlikely they have much concern for the other person’s feelings, which is why they ghosted in the first place. They could be the type who is frequently confused, inconsistent and struggles to make decisions when it comes to relationships. It’s also possible that they are generally insensitive and lack self-awareness. They may even have narcissistic personality traits.
You’ll know this person is narcissistic if they appear to be:
- Entitled
- Lacking empathy
- Arrogant
- Always out for their own gain, possibly at the extent of others
Here are 5 reasons why ghosters become zombies
Reason 1. They’re bored
Perhaps they’re having a dry spell in their usually filled social calendar because they can’t find dates. Or maybe their friends are too busy for them. It could even be that they’ve just happened to find themselves alone on a Friday night with nowhere to go and figured they would reach out to you to kill time.
Reason 2. They’re newly single (and wanna mingle)
Perhaps they’ve recently become single and, as a result, have a lot of free time. They may be trying to occupy themselves by contacting different people. Or, they may even be trying to get over a breakup and are looking for distractions. Unfortunately, they may even be chatting to you in hopes of gaining an ego boost to confirm that they are still desirable.
Reason 3. They miss you
This is a tricky one. It’s possible that, after losing you, they’ve realized that they miss your company. However, it’s important to realize that even if they miss you, this does not necessarily mean that they want a relationship with you. For all you know, they might have missed you momentarily, decided to text you, and then later realized it was pointless messaging you.
Reason 4. They feel guilty about ghosting you and want to ease their conscience
Sometimes, a ghoster may look back and feel bad about ghosting, especially if the other person clearly deserved better. They may then reach out to the person they ghosted in a friendly manner in order to make themselves feel better. Annoyingly, the zombie may not even apologize sincerely for ghosting but send casual messages like “hey, how are you?” They may feel that by being reaching out, they’ll somehow be able to dissolve any hard feelings. It is, however, possible that they are looking to sincerely apologize and put things right.
Reason 5. They want a second chance
It’s possible that your ghoster has become a zombie because they are seeking another shot at a relationship with you. Perhaps previously the ghoster had reasons for ghosting you that they couldn’t tell you about at the time. Maybe they were going through difficult family drama or personal issues, who knows? Or, they may have been a jerk in the past but have now emotionally matured and want to put things right. There are endless possibilities as to why they ghosted you, but maybe something has changed for them and they now want another chance.
How to deal with zombieing
If someone who previously ghosted you then turns a complete 180 and then miraculously appears in your life again, be careful. This person already had a chance at a relationship with you and they did not want it. Furthermore, instead of doing the respectful thing and telling you that they no longer wanted to continue, they cut you off. They had zero regard for how their actions would affect you.
When deciding how to deal with zombieing, you’ll want to consider the following
- How much do (or did) you like this person? Were they a really unique person who you genuinely clicked with and enjoyed hanging out with? Or were you lukewarm about them from the beginning?
- Do they acknowledge that they ghosted you? Did they apologize or explain their actions? If they previously ghosted you by blocking you on Whatsapp and then they re-appear 3 months later saying “sorry was pretty busy with work and stuff” then they are clearly not acknowledging any wrongdoing.
- What do they want now? Are they simply messaging you when they’re drunk at 2am or do they seem to be interested in how you’re doing? What’s the reason they’ve suddenly gotten back in touch?
- How would you feel if they were to ghost you again? If someone’s ghosted you once, they can certainly do it again.
Ignoring your zombie is a completely reasonable option
Given that this person dropped you out of the blue without explanation, it’s absolutely fair if you want to ignore them. Even if they are sending you flowers and apologizing, there’s no reason why they deserve a second chance from you. You may feel that there’s nothing to be gained by communicating with this person after what they did to you. By ignoring them, you are sending the message that you don’t allow people to treat you disrespectfully and the door is closed.
If you are considering responding to your zombie, then it’s important to proceed with caution.
If your zombie is messaging you casually and acting like they did nothing wrong, ask yourself: what am I going to achieve by responding?
Is your zombie sending you flakey messages e.g. “hey, what’s up?” or posting comments on your social media stories? If so, this is utterly meaningless. They may be trying their luck to see if you’ll respond. However, if they are unwilling to take responsibility and apologize for the way they treated you, what is the point of entertaining them? There’s a high probability that they’re simply bored and trying to kill time.
If your zombie *appears* to be sorry, think about whether it’s worthwhile communicating with them
Even if your ghoster-turned-zombie appears to have had a change of heart and regrets ghosting you, you should still proceed with caution. Are they genuinely accepting accountability for their actions and apologizing? Do they understand the effect they may have had on you? If they apologize sincerely, you may be fine with hearing them out or even acknowledging what they have to say. However, it does not mean you need to have an ongoing conversation with them.
Related: He Apologized For Ghosting Me, What Should I Do?
If you’re considering restarting a relationship with your ghoster-turned-zombie, be careful
If you still have feelings for this person, you may be contemplating allowing them back into your life. However, remember that this person clearly did not value you in the past, nor did they treat you respectfully. Be aware that they could pull the same kind of stunt again. The last thing you want to do is jump back into a relationship with them and prioritize them. If anything, they’ll need to earn your trust gradually over time and prove that they deserve a place in your life.
I can’t decide whether I should respond to my zombie or not. Help!
If you’re on the fence about whether or not to respond, this is understandable. Being zombied can be very confusing. Perhaps a part of you misses them and still has feelings for them. However, the fact that they ghosted you previously makes it difficult to risk letting them back into your life again. It all comes down to whether they have a genuine reason for ghosting you and whether they are willing to put in effort into building up trust with you again.
People do make mistakes and perhaps the way they ghosted you was out of fear, immaturity, or simply not knowing what to do. However, be wary that this person has demonstrated inconsistent behaviour towards you. It can be very frustrating and potentially heart-breaking to be involved with someone who doesn’t know what they want, or someone who does things that hurt you, even if they did not intend to.
A final word on Zombieing
Happy relationships require mutual respect and concern for each other, as well as trust, which is built up over time. The fact that someone has previously ghosted you demonstrates that they a. did not value the relationship and b. lacked the decency to end it in a proper way, undoubtedly resulting in c. suffering on your part. If you are considering granting this person a second chance, seriously consider the way they treated you in the past and realise that they could easily treat you this way again. It’s sensible to take things slowly and allow the other person to prove that they deserve a place in your life.
If you decide that there’s no way you’re letting this person back into your life, good for you. At the end of the day, happy relationships are far better for your psychological wellbeing and self-esteem. Being in a relationship where you don’t quite trust the other person’s intentions or you are scared they may suddenly drop you can be draining.
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