Have you tried online dating, only to find that it’s much harder than you’d imagined? Sure, online dating has many positive selling points. At the click of a button, you can potentially connect with hundreds of singles in your area. It requires very little effort initially and can save both time and money. You can effortlessly meet a wide range of people outside your usual social circle. Also, it can seem easier than, say, approaching a stranger in a bar. An estimated 40% of people who have tried online dating. However, many will end up wondering: why is online dating so hard?
Online dating poses unique challenges for daters
So, what specifically makes online dating so hard? Is it because people on dating apps are only looking for fun? There certainly are dating apps that have a reputation for being solely for casual flirtations. Or, is it because the sheer volume of profiles you need to sift through makes it overwhelming? Some may argue that online dating can be a lot more ‘random’ than meeting someone in real life. When you meet someone on a dating app, you simply don’t know if what you see is what you get. Often, you have no way of validating what someone is saying. Online dating poses unique challenges for daters seeking genuine relationships.
Read on as we explore the reasons as to why online dating is so hard.
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 1. It can easily become overwhelming
The first reason as to why online dating is so hard is that it can easily become overwhelming. This is due to the sheer volume of profiles and matches you end up dealing with. The process essentially requires you to filter through hundreds of dating profiles. This can easily become overwhelming as you are forced to make quick decisions based on limited information or a few photos. It’s normal to match with many potential dates, leading to one person initiating conversation. When you have 10 different people messaging you with similar conversation starters, it can be difficult to focus. You end up repeating the same things to multiple people. Each time, they may or may not reply. Among the batch of people you’d matched with, many won’t make it to a real life meeting with you. It can become difficult to keep track of all your matches.
Spoilt for choice
Even if you do meet several potentials for dates, you then need to decide if you wish to see them again. Perhaps the conversation fizzles out a few dates later and you both know it’s not going anywhere. Or, maybe you are keen to continue, but then because you are both still meeting new people, things never seem to really progress. Basically, online dating can easily turn into dating overload. You are spoilt for choices and everything is so easy come easy go that you can end up going around in circles. If it doesn’t work out with one person, there’s always someone else. This can make it difficult to make decisions. It’s common to match with many people, have some interaction but still end up back at square one.
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 2. You need good judgment
As with dating in real life, it can be a difficult jungle to navigate. Almost everyone has experienced their fair share of disappoints and setbacks when it comes to love. However, with online dating in particular, good judgment can be even more crucial than meeting people in real life. Sure, one must certainly exercise common sense when dating someone they met in real life. But online dating requires you to make quick decisions about someone based on far less information.
In online dating, it can be hard to know if what someone says is true
If you meet someone in real life, it’s likely to be through work or school, or perhaps a mutual friend introduced you. Perhaps you have common interests or some activity that allowed you to meet. Basically, you have some common connection that allows you to at least have some background info about this new person. However, during online dating, you’ll likely know nothing about the person you’ve matched with. There may also be very little way of validating whether what they say is true. Even if you search for someone on Google it doesn’t mean that the information you find is reliable.
When were those photos really taken?
Once you match with someone, you’ll need to make quick decisions about whether this is someone you are potentially interested in. Unfortunately, you are not given a lot of information to base this decision on. Your match may only have a few photos on their profile. (Who knows when these photos were really taken?) Also they are likely to only reveal basic information about themselves initially. What you do not know is how they behave in real life. This includes their tone of voice, body language, or even their ‘vibe.’ Therefore, you need experience to become a good judge of character when it comes to online dating.
You can easily waste time on people who are not at all your type
Basically, online dating poses unique challenges that makes it difficult to judge whether someone is worth pursuing or not. Often, when you meet someone in real life, you’ll simply know from observing the way they act whether you are interested or not. However, it’s much harder when they are sat behind a computer or phone screen. Making poor judgment during online dating can cause you to waste time on people who are simply not your type. In the worst case scenario, you may even end up being catfished or scammed for money.
Related: How To Do Online Dating Successfully: 5 Top Tips For Success
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 3. People’s online dating profiles are often full of inaccuracies
Not surprisingly, most people want to portray the best version of themselves in their online dating profile. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to slight exaggerations, or even full-blown lies. Shockingly, a 2010 survey by dating app OkCupid found that the majority of men lie about their height on their profiles. This means that if you’ve matched with a guy who states he is 5”10, you realistically have to be prepared for the possibility that he is actually 5”8. It can be very off-putting for the person who’s essentially been lied to. You may wonder, if they are willing to lie about something like height, they can easily lie about other things.
Think your match looks great in their photos? You’d better wait until you see them in real life before getting too excited.
Given that so many men lie about height, it’s surely not surprising that many people don’t actually look like their profile pics. Some people will use pics that are very old and look nothing like how they do at present. Or, they may be taken using photos apps or extremely edited. Unfortunately, some people even use fake pictures. They may be hoping that by the time you realize they are deceiving you, you’ll like them enough to forgive their actions. (Erm, think again.)
Dating profiles are essentially painting an image of ourselves that we wish to portray to the world. However, sometimes what we want people to think is not an accurate representation of who we actually are. For example, a man may try to portray himself as being ‘manly’ by posting pictures of himself with a ferocious tiger and doing adventure sports. However, this may simply be what he thinks is appealing to others. The reality may be that he spends most of his time locked in his room playing video games.
Real life disappointments
The frustration occurs when you realize you’ve wasted your time on someone who is simply not the person in their dating profile. Perhaps you’d spent days or weeks exchanging messages with this person, believing they were the person in their profile. However, when you meet them, they look absolutely nothing like their photo which was taken 10 years ago when they had a significantly different build. Or, you were expecting them to be 5”8 but they are actually 5”5 and you are now towering over them during your first real life meeting. Experiences like this can leave one feeling that online dating is hard.
Related: Online Dating vs Traditional Dating: Which Is Better?
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 4. Online dating etiquette can be variable or even non-existent
If you’re someone who’s dated a fair amount, you may have experienced your fair share of dating mishaps. Maybe you’ve been on one of those dates where all your date did was talk about themselves. Or maybe you’ve come across someone who repeatedly showed up late for dates without being apologetic. Basically, you don’t know if the person will have similar etiquette to you until you get to know them on a date. Unfortunately, online dating can be even harder than regular dating.
In online dating, ghosting is common
With online dating, there are very few rules about how one should conduct themselves. Nowadays, anything and everything seems to be fair game. For example, you may have matched with a cutie and started exchanging messages with them frequently. However, a few weeks later, they go MIA and stop replying. It takes you a few days to realize that you’ve essentially been ghosted. You may have even been ghosted before the first date. But what can you do about this? Not much. Is this behaviour considered rude? Well, depends on who you ask. Some people may argue that in online dating, the whole point is to entertain many matches until you can narrow your options down. If someone didn’t make the cut, well, tough luck.
The truth is that many online daters can become slack when it comes to etiquette and manners simply because they can. Chances are, they might not even meet you in real life. Even if they do, it’s not that likely that you’ll make it past a few dates. Therefore, they may reason that it’s not worth putting a lot of effort into every single match, as this can be time consuming. Many online daters feel that one should simply move on quickly if it doesn’t seem to be working.
Game playing can drive you nuts
A common frustration online daters experience is wondering how frequently they should message someone they’ve matched with. There are no set rules, obviously. However, if you’re engaging with someone who is intentionally playing hard to get, this can be tiring. Sure, no one wants to appear overly keen. Being too quick to reply, while subjective, can be off-putting to some people. The best policy is to not intentionally play games by appearing unavailable. Unfortunately, game-playing can be common during online dating. It’s not surprising that so many people end up wondering why online dating is so hard.
People have different communication styles when it comes to online dating
Another common scenario that causes confusion is how much you should share with someone before you meet in person. Some people may be an open book and be keen to share details about their life, experiences, hopes and dreams. However, others may prefer a more casual approach and only offer limited information. After all, this is a stranger you’ve never met. Even if you do meet, you may never see them again.
Taking things to the ‘next’ level
The other issue is how to progress from an online date to a ‘proper’ relationship (if that’s what you’re after). If you’ve met someone from online dating that you actually ‘click’ with, it might take a while before you can figure out what’s actually going on. You may have been on many dates and be communicating regularly. However, you then may wonder whether they are still online dating. Or, whether you should continue online dating yourself. What if you see that they are still regularly logging into the dating app? How do you bring this up? It may be an awkward conversation. This ultimately leads to questions about what each of you are looking for. Working out what someone is looking for can be even harder with online dating than regular dating.
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 5. Online dating might save time spent going out and looking for singles, but you may waste time barking up the wrong tree
When you meet someone for the first time in real life, it’s likely in a social situation, at work, or a random meeting. Even if you don’t speak to them, you can gather a lot of information about this person. For example, their appearance, whether they appear friendly or happy. You may hear how they speak to others and see if they have a sense of humour. Their body language may reveal whether they are extroverted or introverted. Even the way their dress likely gives clues about their lifestyle and habits. As a result, it can be quite easy to know if someone is our type.
Meeting someone through online dating = a poor substitute for seeing someone in real life
With online dating, however, you have no way of seeing them in person when you start chatting with them. You are relying on the photos and information on their dating profile, which may be unreliable. Chatting via messages is a poor substitute for meeting someone in real life when it comes to evaluating someone’s personality. You cannot see their facial expressions or tone of voice. People can come across very differently through chat messages. They may be a friendly and warm person in reality but appear boring in their messages. On the contrary, someone may appear great when you are chatting in a dating app, but their real life vibe is not your cup of tea.
What you see may not be what you get
Those who are looking for something serious using online dating apps are more likely to be disappointed. Perhaps you’ve matched with someone who, on paper, seems to be everything you are looking for. As you chat to them more and things go smoothly, you may get excited and start to build up expectations around this person. You may even start to get emotionally involved. However, when you meet them in real life, you realize that they really aren’t who you thought they were. The worst is when you discover that they were not honest or are obviously not as genuine as you’d imagined. If you’d placed high hopes on this person only to be disappointed, it’s understandable to wonder why online dating is so hard.
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 6. Online dating is superficial
During online dating, you are mostly making decisions around someone’s appearance plus a few snippets of information on their profile. The process is far more superficial than, say, meeting someone through friends or through a common hobby. The sheer volume of profiles to sort through means that you’re likely to only spend a few seconds glancing at each one. Realistically, it’s hard to gain any meaningful insight into someone’s character in such a short time. This is regardless of whether you are a good judge of character. Someone may look great in their photos but once you start messaging them, you realize you simply have nothing in common. Next.
The things that truly matter in a relationship can be difficult to identify using online dating
Relationship success often depends on two people having compatible personalities and lifestyles. However, dating profiles are a poor way of showcasing these things. Sure, you can show people aspects of your lifestyle, such as hobbies and places you’ve been. Also, your appearance in photos will offer some clues about what kind of person you are. However, it’s hard to judge whether someone’s temperament and morals are compatible with yours. The downside of dating profiles is that you can easily miss people who are a good match for you, personality-wise. Perhaps they didn’t put great photos or one-liners in their profile. It’s very easy to overlook someone with an underwhelming profile photo or description.
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 7. Online dating is rife with scammers
In recent years, online dating apps have become a breeding ground for scammers and even serious criminals. Unfortunately, the opportunity to reach individuals who are potentially lonely and looking for love has proven too tempting for those out to commit crimes. You’ll likely have heard of infamous scammers like the Tinder Swindler. However, cases like that are simply the tip of the iceberg. There are many smaller scale scammers operating day in and day out, across various dating apps. They may be simply looking to steal things like your personal information. Or, they may try and pique your interest by appearing to be the perfect romantic match. This is followed by them introducing an investment scheme that offers mouth-watering returns and asking for your money.
If you’ve been burned by scam, it can be traumatizing
Anyone who’s been a victim of an online dating scam is likely to be left with a sour taste in their mouth. Not only may they have been robbed of actual money or other assets, but they may also be psychologically traumatized. Essentially, they’ve placed time and trust into an individual, only to realize that they’ve been cheated. Depending on their experience, they may even quit online dating completely
Why is online dating so hard? Reason 8. The grass is always greener
Online dating offers daters an easy way to access a huge pool of potential dates. However, sometimes, having too much choice can make it even harder to make a decision. Ever heard of the term ‘analysis paralysis’? Essentially, modern daters are now accustomed to being spoilt for choice. Ironically, it’s never been easier to meet other singles, yet people are often lonely and struggle to find ‘the one’.
Online dating = infinite options
What makes online dating so hard is that when faced with an infinite pool of options, it becomes far harder to commit to a decision. For example, you may have met someone that you get along well with. Perhaps you’ve been on a couple of dates and things are going well. However, person B starts messaging you and wanting to meet up. Chances are, person B is not similar at all and ticks different boxes all together. So, how do you know who to focus your efforts on? Sure, you can keep your options open. However, eventually you’ll have to make a decision. To throw another factor in, perhaps there are various other people (person C and D) who have recently matched with you on the dating app too. It can easily becoming overwhelming and confusing.
It’s easy to think the grass is always greener
If you’re someone who suffers from ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome in dating, online dating can amplify this. You may constantly receive new messages from singles you’ve matched with. The attention you receive can easily become addictive. If things don’t work out with one person, there are plenty of others to take their place. Unfortunately, it can become far too easy to walk away when one encounters issues in a relationship. No relationship is perfectly smooth sailing and will eventually require some problem solving at some point. However, peoples’ tolerance of working through issues often decreases when they feel they are: a. not committed and b. have plenty of other options.
Online dating = great for finding a date, harder to find a long-term relationship
It’s easy to see why online dating is great for single people looking for dates. However, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, this can be much harder to achieve. There’s simply too much temptation to keep looking for something better. Even if things are going well between two people, they both need to genuinely want to make a commitment for things to progress to the next level. It’s far too easy to get distracted by that new cute guy or girl who you’ve just matched with. Obviously there are many cases of people meeting their partners or spouses through online dating. However, many other people end up becoming overwhelmed because it’s so hard to make a decision.
Related: How to Meet Someone Without Online Dating: 7 Ways
If you’ve been wondering why online dating is so hard, you’re certainly not alone
So, why is online dating so difficult? The reasons are wide-ranging and perhaps you’ve even experienced a few of these yourself. However, that’s not to say you should give up on online dating all together. After all, it really is a convenient way to connect with other singles. Many people struggle to meet new people in real life. This may be because you’re busy with work and simply don’t have the time. Or, you have no clue how to meet other singles. Perhaps you always hang out with the same group of friends in the same places. As a result, there’s little chance you’ll be introduced to anyone new.
If you’re feeling burned out from online dating, it’s fair to consider exploring other options to meet people in real life. Or perhaps you can take a break from online dating to recoup. It’s unreasonable to expect that online dating will be easy, given that dating itself (and relationships in general) will always pose challenges. Keeping a positive mindset while ensuring your own safety will help you navigate the exciting yet unpredictable world of online dating.
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