If you’ve been in a relationship with a man for 10 years and still see no sign of him proposing, you might be at a loss for what to do. On one hand, this is a guy you love and have spent a seriously long time with. It’s only normal to consider marriage to be the next logical step. If you’re wondering “why won’t he marry me after 10 years?” you’d be one of many women wondering the same thing after being in a ten year relationship without a proposal.
Contents:
- The simple reason as to why he won’t marry you is: he doesn’t feel there is any compelling reason to do so
- 10 years is a VERY long time to date someone
- Being in the situation where you are questioning “why won’t he marry me after 10 years?” is tough.
- Here are 10 reasons why he won’t marry you after 10 years
- Reason 1. He’s not sure about you
- Reason 2. He’s happy with being boyfriend and girlfriend i.e. his needs are met and he sees no point in changing that by getting married
- Reason 3. You’re already acting like a wife so there’s not much incentive for him to marry you
- Reason 4. He’s not ready for marriage
- Reason 5. He doesn’t know that marriage is that important to you
- Reason 6. He doesn’t love you
- Reason 7. He has a negative view of marriage
- Reason 8. His family don’t approve of you
- Reason 9. None of his buddies are married
- Reason 10. You’re a backup
- Conclusion
The simple reason as to why he won’t marry you is: he doesn’t feel there is any compelling reason to do so
First things first, let’s state the obvious. If he truly loves you and wants to marry you, he would have proposed. It’s as simple as that. A man who is head over heels in love will go out of his way for the woman he loves and will marry her. There’s a caveat: he will go out of his way for the woman he loves and marry her provided that:
- Marriage is in line with his what he thinks is right and wrong
- He thinks that marriage will be good for his life
10 years is a VERY long time to date someone
If you’ve been dating this man for 10 years, you have spent a very long time together. You may have been through many significant life events together e.g. graduating college, starting out in your career, relocating etc. You’ve likely experienced many highs and lows together and it may be difficult for you to imagine life without him.
Being in the situation where you are questioning “why won’t he marry me after 10 years?” is tough.
Being with a man for 10 years with no sign of marriage can be a confusing situation. You might feel as though you’ve put all your eggs in one basket: his. You might even be seeing other people around you who’ve been dating for a far shorter time and are already getting married. Studies have indicated that the average couple dates for 2 to 5 years before getting married. Furthermore, as a woman, if you want to start a family, you may be wary of your biological clock.
Why won’t he marry me after 10 years? Here are 10 brutally honest reasons why
If you’re wondering “why won’t he marry me after 10 years?” you may be struggling to figure out why this may be. Surely, if he’s happy to be with you for so long he must love you and be planning to marry you eventually…right? Well, it’s not really that straightforward. Whether he eventually marries you is honestly quite 50/50 and there are no guarantees.
Yes, sometimes a guy just needs more time to be ready for marriage and it’s not about his feelings for you. However, on the other end of the spectrum, you might be putting all your hopes and dreams into a guy who will never marry you, period.
Without further ado, here are the 10 brutally honest reasons why a guy won’t marry you after 10 years of dating.
Reason 1. He’s not sure about you
For a man to be keen to get married, he needs to feel sure about you. Ask yourself honestly: can you think of any issues in your relationship that might prevent him from marrying you? Chances are, if a certain issue has occurred to you, it’s probably occurred to him too, even if he hasn’t said it out loud.
Just because you’ve been together for 10 years, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is a healthy and happy one. The reality is that after being in a relationship for a few year (let alone 10 years)s, it’s very easy to get comfortable and used to each other, even if there are major issues.
Often, the longer you stay with someone, the harder it is to leave. This is because you end up becoming co-dependent on each other. Furthermore, if you’ve been out of the dating market for a long time, the prospect of going on dates again as a single person can be daunting. It takes courage to leave a long-term relationship. With every decision you make, there is risk involved. Maybe you will end up single for a long time. Maybe the next people you date will be worse. You may be thinking ‘sure our relationship isn’t perfect but I don’t want to break up.’
Bearing all of this in mind, it’s possible that you’re in a relationship where neither of you are truly that happy but it’s just been so long that neither of you wants to break up. However, having major issues in a relationship can be roadblocks that prevent marriage.
He could be unsure about you for many reasons. Here are some examples.
- The two of you argue frequently
- He doesn’t feel supported by you
- Your lifestyles are not very compatible
- You have different aims in life
- You’re flirty with other guys
- He’s concerned about your financial situation
- If you’ve never brought up the subject of marriage, he may even be unsure as to whether you want to marry him
It’s possible that he cannot even identify why he’s not sure about marrying you. It may simply be a gut feeling.
Reason 2. He’s happy with being boyfriend and girlfriend i.e. his needs are met and he sees no point in changing that by getting married
A man can happily be in an ongoing relationship with a woman as boyfriend and girlfriend for years. He might be content with the level of commitment that the two of you currently have. Being your boyfriend, he may be enjoying a lot of freedom in terms of being able to go out with his buddies whenever he wants, traveling as he pleases or pursuing any interests that take his fancy.
Being a boyfriend as opposed to a husband often carries less responsibility e.g. financial responsibility. He’s committed to you for now but he’s not committed forever. Therefore, he has the option of breaking up with you if the two of you have issues or if he meets someone better suited. Of course, this is also the case for marriage. However, generally speaking it’s easier to breakup a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship than a marriage. It also means that if the relationship were to end, there are zero legal ramifications.
Reason 3. You’re already acting like a wife so there’s not much incentive for him to marry you
If you’ve been dating this guy for 10 years, chances are, your lives are so intertwined that you basically function like a married couple. You probably have a weekly routine in which there are assumed periods of time where the two of you hang out. You might even live together and share domestic chores, such as cooking and housework. Oh and are you as loyal as can be?
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do you base your day-to-day decisions around your man?
- Do you go out of your way to ensure his well-being e.g. cooking for him, laundry, organizing his home
- Do you take him into account when making important future plans? E.g. your career
- Are you 100% loyal to the extent that he knows you’ll be by his side forever
While it’s sweet that you love him so much that he’s basically your whole world, it’s important to realise that you are essentially acting like his wife. Unfortunately, it’s likely that he can see you’ve naturally assumed the ‘wife’ role without being married. He has zero incentive to actually pop the question because you’re already offering him everything he needs, including your unwavering commitment. He may be so confident that he’ll never lose you to another guy that he doesn’t see any need to marry you.
Reason 4. He’s not ready for marriage
Just because a guy loves you and is committed to you, it does not necessarily mean that he is ready to be a married man. Why? Well there are a myriad of reasons. Marriage carries a lot more responsibility than being just a boyfriend. Firstly, when you are married, you need to take into account each other’s finances and make financial decisions together. Another big thing is having kids. Many people view being married as a foundation for starting a family. Basically, while you are thinking:
“I love this guy and want to be with him forever”
This guy may be thinking:
“I love this girl but Marriage = responsibility + kids + expenses + less freedom”
Can you see the difference?
It’s also possible that he’s not ready for marriage because he hasn’t reached his prerequisite goals
Not all but SOME guys have a list of goals that they need to achieve before getting married. Examples of such goals include:
- Reaching a certain point in his career
- Dating around, partying, playing the field (to get it out of his system)
- Owning a property
- Traveling around the world
He told me that he needs to achieve his personal goals before getting married, should I wait?
It’s a tricky one. Some guys genuinely do feel that they need to be financially stable before getting married. This is also sensible and practical when you think about it. However, needing to achieve ‘personal goals’ can also be used as an excuse by guys who are resisting commitment. Realistically, it may be impossible to achieve all of one’s personal goals even by the age of 80.
Marriage does NOT have to be at the expense of achieving one’s goals. In fact, marriage can go hand in hand e.g. you can support each other to achieve each other’s goals. Marriage means committed to being with someone for the rest of your lives. It does not mean that one’s career is over and that you are locked up in a cage, unable to do anything you want to do. However, if this man’s perception is that marriage will prevent him reaching his goals, the issue is that he has a negative view of marriage in general.
Reason 5. He doesn’t know that marriage is that important to you
Guys are known for being a bit oblivious. While girls are good at picking up on hints, nuances and reading the invisible fine print floating in the air during conversation, many men do not have this skill. Even if you’ve hinted and discussed marriage as something lovely idea that might happen in the future, it does not mean that he gets just how important it is to you.
Given that you’ve happily dated this man for 10 years, it’s possible that he simply does not realize how important marriage is to you. It’s not as it something miraculously changes at the 10-year mark and he suddenly thinks “wow it’s 10 years, time to propose!” Just because you think 10 years is a benchmark and a time by which he should have proposed, he may be indifferent to the fact that you’ve dated 10 years.
He might be so comfortable that you’ve always been around and will continue to do so that he’s focusing his efforts on other priorities, such as his job, hobbies or even hanging out with his buddies. Since you’ve stuck around happily for 10 years, he has no reason to assume that the lack of marriage is a big deal.
Reason 6. He doesn’t love you
Unfortunately, if you’re wondering ‘why won’t he marry me after 10 years of dating?’ there is a possibility that this man simply doesn’t love you, which is why despite being with you for 10 years, he does not want to marry you. Even though this might sound impossible to you, men do stay in relationships where they don’t love the woman. Why? It might be simply out of convenience or because he can’t be bothered to break up. This might be disappointing for you to hear, but just because he’s been with you for 10 years does not necessarily mean that you are the love of his life.
Reason 7. He has a negative view of marriage
Some people, both men and women, have a negative view of marriage in general. Some examples of this are:
- Viewing marriage as unnatural institution created by society
- Thinking that all marriage will ultimately end in divorce
- Viewing marriage as being financially advantageous for the other person
- Thinking marriage will result in loss of freedom and extra responsibility
- Thinking marriage is difficult and stressful
If his parents had an unhappy marriage, this may have resulted in him viewing marriage negatively
If this guy grew up in a family where the relationship between his parents was unhappy, this may be a contributing factor. He may have witnessed a great deal of conflict between them and fear that being married ultimately results in unhappiness. Or, he may feel that being married forces two people to stay together when they aren’t even that compatible.
Divorced men have already experienced first-hand the issues that can arise during marriage
If this man is a divorcee, he has plenty of experience in dealing with marital problems. Clearly, he had issues with his previous spouse and their marriage broke down. Dealing with the aftermath of divorce can be complicated too, especially if there are kids involved. It’s understandable if he’s reluctant to get married again.
It’s important to note that a man may not have had any personal experience with marital difficulties but still view marriage negatively.
Reason 8. His family don’t approve of you
If your man’s family have any issues with you, this can be quite a big roadblock if you are looking to get married. Realistically, when you marry someone, you also marry into another family. Even if you live in different cities or countries, his family will inevitably become part of your life at some point. If you’ve ever had conflict with his family or there are certain things about you that his family clearly disapprove of, this will likely be playing on his mind.
That’s not to say that men do not marry women who their family aren’t a huge fan of. Love is one of those overriding forces that can lead a man to marry a woman, regardless of what everyone around him is saying. However, if his family disapprove of you, it will certainly not help you in your quest to get married.
Reason 9. None of his buddies are married
Many people, especially guys, use their friends as a barometer of what’s ‘normal.’ Whether we realize it or not, we compare ourselves to the people we spend the most time with. This means if your friends are all party animals who are hitting the clubs several nights a week and popping bottles, then it’s likely that you’ll consider this absolutely normal. However, if your friends are more introverted and rarely socialize, you may think that attending 2 birthday parties in a month is already very social for you.
2 men who are the same age may have drastically different views on marriage due to what they see their friends doing
In short, a man whose friends are all married with kids is more likely to be open to getting married. Why? Because once a man’s friends gets married, their priorities will likely shift. Instead of being able to live a bachelor life, a man has made a commitment to his spouse which often carries responsibilities such as contributing towards a household, having shared goals or even raising kids together. Of course this is a generalization and there are always exceptions to the rule. However, it’s undeniable that guys are influenced by their friends. Therefore, if a man’s friends are all suddenly occupied with married life, he will gradually start normalizing married life.
If a guy has many married friends, it becomes harder to live the ‘bachelor’ life
When a guy’s friends start to get married, he will soon find that he has fewer and fewer friends to do ‘guy stuff’ with e.g. drinking, partying, playing sports etc. As a result, he is faced with an increasing amount of free time, which everyone else around him has filled with married life activities. He may even feel like he’s the odd one out if he’s not married. His friends may even encourage him to settle down. It’s possible that if his friends have kids, he will also start to wonder about being a father and even his biological clock.
Reason 10. You’re a backup
Ouch. This one’s pretty painful to hear. However, it is a possibility. It’s possible that this guy is sticking to you because you’re oh-so-loyal and he enjoys that security. However, while playing the role of your trusted boyfriend, he might be subtly scoping out other girls to see if he can find anything better. “Oh my god!” you might be saying. It sounds awful, truly. But these things do happen.
What are the signs that a guy is treating you as a backup after 10 years of dating?
- Refusing to get married
- Maintaining many friends who he is flirtatious with
- Not taking you into account when deciding his future plans
- Being secretive
- He seems to be unhappy or unsatisfied with your relationship
Conclusion
If you’re unfortunately in the situation of having dated a guy for 10 years with no sign of marriage, it understandably sucks. Putting it bluntly, there’s a reason why this guy won’t marry you. 10 years is a long time to date and if he’s still not ready to marry you, it really begs the question: what will actually change if you continue to date him for 11 years? 12 years?
Whether this guy is not yet ready for marriage or whether he has deep-rooted issues with the concept of marriage, things are not looking great. That’s not to say that men do not propose after dating someone for over 10 years. However, you really have to question whether you are being strung along by someone who is either ensure about you, doesn’t love you enough or doesn’t value marriage as highly as you.
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