Updated 11th September 2023
Contents:
- What is Benching?
- Am I being benched?
- Why do people bench in dating?
- I think I’m being benched by someone but I still don’t quite get it. They clearly like me. Why are they benching me?
- What should I do if someone I’m dating is benching me?
- What should I do if I really like the person who is benching me?
What is Benching?
Benching in dating is a modern dating term characterized by consistently keeping the other person around but at arm’s length. Like benching in sports, the person being benched feels as though they are on the sidelines. Perhaps you find yourself constantly waiting for some indication that the other person wants to see you. Although this person makes no moves to end the relationship, the relationship is often on their terms. There are certainly no commitments in sight. You may be left wondering where you stand or where the relationship is going. This is benching in a nutshell.
Benching can be common during the early stages of a relationship
Benching can be common when you are dating someone new. During the phase where one person is getting to know the other, it’s normal to enjoy the process without any strings attached. In fact, many people view benching as a positive thing. In modern dating, many people assume that it’s fair to date multiple people. This may then change if they reach a stage with one person where they have decided to be exclusive.
The problem arises when two people have been dating for a while and one person is being benched
Benching in dating can occur when two people have been dating for a while. If one person is unwilling to make a commitment but enjoys keeping the other around, this is benching.
Am I being benched?
Often, people being benched have a gut feeling that they are being benched. It can be easy to tell when you are not high on the other person’s list of priorities. It may be that the other person takes their time to answer your messages, or they just don’t seem that keen to see you. Or, they may be openly seeing other people and being honest about it.
Here are the signs that you are being benched
- You’re totally into them but it’s questionable how into you they are
- Whenever you meet up, it’s on their terms
- They only call or text you at the last minute
- They refuse to put a title on your relationship
- They seem to be interested in other people
- They aren’t keen on discussing the future
Why do people bench in dating?
Benching in dating usually indicates a reluctance to commit to the relationship. This may be for a variety of reasons. It may be that the person doing the benching is a commitment-phobe. On the other hand, they may be unsure of their feelings being reciprocated and are scared to put their feelings on the table.
1. He or she wants to play the field
Modern dating culture has made it far easier than previous generations to date around without commitment. With people settling down later in life, or not settling down at all, there’s less pressure to get married. Furthermore, the ease of online dating has created an easily accessible pool of singles for anyone who wants to date. This makes it very tempting for people to keep an eye out for something better. It’s possible to go on date after date with different people, always thinking that the grass is greener.
If someone is in no hurry to commit and they genuinely enjoy dating different people, they can do so with ease. Even if they do end up dating someone who they have a genuine connection with, they may still enjoy going on dates with other people, because, well, they can. As a result, the guy or girl they are seeing will get benched.
2. He or she is not sure about you
Someone who benches another person may simply be unsure about the relationship and whether there is a future. They may like certain things about someone and enjoy spending time with them. However, they also may have doubts and question whether they are totally compatible with each other. It’s possible they need more time before deciding whether the person they are seeing is truly right for them.
For some people, getting into a serious relationship is not something that comes easily to them. It may be very difficult for them to make up their mind about someone romantically. They may be indecisive by nature. Or, it might take them a long time to put trust into another person. Benching in dating allows them to continue to get to know the other person at their own pace. It also allows them to maintain their independence.
3. He or she is scared of letting you know how they really feel
Sometimes, people bench because they fear opening up their heart to another person. Despite having strong feelings for the other person, it might be difficult for them to be honest about their feelings. They may struggle to open up and be vulnerable with another person. They may even intentionally push away the person they like because they fear having an emotional connection.
In this situation, benching allows someone to maintain emotional distance from the other person. It may make them feel more in control of their feelings and less at risk of being hurt. By not putting too much trust in the other person and keep them at arm’s length, they avoid becoming emotionally dependent on another person.
4. He or she is a commitment-phobe
It goes without saying that some people are simply reluctant to commit. This can be irrespective of how much they like the person they are dating. They could be dating someone who is truly compatible and have a beautiful relationship with, but still be unable to commit. Some people are serial benchers and are simply not ready to be in an exclusive relationship at all.
Fear of commitment is a common relationship problem and can be due to many reasons. For example, someone may have come out of a difficult relationship that left them badly burned and, as a result, be reluctant to get involved in another serious relationship. Or, they may have been affected by the breakdown of their parents’ marriage and fear commitment.
I think I’m being benched by someone but I still don’t quite get it. They clearly like me. Why are they benching me?
It’s certainly possible and even likely that this person has some feelings for you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t bother having a relationship with you at all. However, relationships are not always straightforward. They might like you a lot but it does not mean that they are able to have a serious, committed relationship with you for the reasons listed above. As a result, they’d rather keep you at arm’s length.
What should I do if someone I’m dating is benching me?
If you suspect someone you are dating is benching you, it’s a good time to evaluate how you feel about the relationship. Some people are happy to continue dating knowing well that the relationship is not exclusive and you are not high on the other person’s priority list. Or, maybe you yourself are enjoying the other person’s company while keeping your options open and are therefore not in any rush to change things.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- How much do you really like this person?
- What do you want out of this relationship? E.g. only something casual, or a committed relationship with a future?
- How do you feel about them benching you? Does it bother you a lot? Or are you o.k. with it? Are you willing to continue on this basis?
- Is this something you want to bring up with the other person? I.e. where do you stand?
If you are enjoying dating someone without getting too involved, it may not bother you at all that you are being benched. Maybe you are not totally sure about how much you like this person and want to keep your options open. If the relationship naturally develops into something more serious, then you may find that the benching simply comes to an end by itself.
What should I do if I really like the person who is benching me?
It may be that you are looking for something more serious and you really like the person you are seeing. If this is the case, you may feel confused about where you stand. You may even feel hurt by the fact that your relationship hasn’t reached the point of exclusivity. In this case, it may be worthwhile to discuss with the other person where they see the relationship going. After all, good communication and transparency are essential if a relationship is going to work in the long-term. Keep an open mind and listen to what they have to say.
You may consider asking them the following questions:
- How do you feel about me?
- Where do you see our relationship going?
- What are you looking for?
If it turns out that the other person simply doesn’t see the relationship developing into anything more serious, thenat least you have your answer. However, if they offer what you consider acceptable reasons for their behaviour, it’s up to you to decide if you want to keep investing into this relationship. On the other hand, it may be that they are also keen for a more serious relationship.
