Can’t stop thinking about an ex? Perhaps you are looking back fondly at the times you spent together. Or, you could be angry at the way they treated you and wonder how you tolerated it. Thinking about an ex after the relationship is over (sometimes long over) is extremely common. There can be a variety of reasons for this. This is someone who you may have spent months or even years with. Over this time, it’s likely you became very attached to each other.
Can’t stop thinking about your ex? Reason 1. You still have feelings for your ex
After a breakup, regardless of who initiated it, it’s normal to still have feelings for your ex. During the time you spent together, you certainly would have developed attachment to each other. Even if there were strong reasons for breaking up, it’s unlikely that the feelings you have for them will disappear instantly. You may still love your ex and deeply care for them even if you are not meant to be together.
Having lingering feelings for your ex will cause you to think about them often. When you were together, you obviously spent a great deal of time thinking about them. You wondered what they were up to during the day and always wanted to make sure they were ok. You cared about their goals and dreams.
Can’t stop thinking about your ex? Reason 2. You have a lot of new free time to fill
Chances are, breaking up with your ex left a significant gap in your life. Imagine, you had a goto person not only to hang out with but to turn to in times of need. All the time you used to spend with them will now need to be replaced with other people and other activities. This can be a huge change that takes time to adapt to. You may find that all the time you previously spent with your ex is difficult to fill. As a result, you may spend your increased free time reminiscing about the past.
Can’t stop thinking about your ex? Reason 3. You don’t have closure
After a breakup, it’s important to gain closure in order to move on. Closure is the sense of finality you feel after the end of the relationship. Often, people feel they need to understand the reasons as to why the relationship ended in order to gain closure.
If you don’t have closure after the breakup, this can make it difficult to move on. You may question the reasons as to why the relationship ended. If you feel it was your actions that led to the breakdown of the relationship then you may feel guilty. Or if your ex did something hurtful that led to the breakup, you may still feel upset about what happened.
A common reason for not being able to gain closure is having unanswered questions. This is especially common after ghosting. If it’s not clear to you as to why the relationship ended and you are denied the opportunity to ask questions, this can be very painful. Many people will end up mulling over past events and wondering what happened.
Can’t stop thinking about your ex? Reason 4. You want to get back together
If you are hoping to get back together with your ex this will certainly play on your mind. Having strong feelings for them or even being in love with them makes it impossible to stop thinking about your ex. Unfortunately, if the relationship is truly over then there’s not much you can do aside from try your best to move on.
Related: “He doesn’t want to commit:” 4 Common Reasons Why and How to Deal
Here’s What To Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex
1. Allow yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship
After a breakup, it’s important to go through the grieving process. It’s normal to feel sadness and even despair at the breakdown of the relationship. This can be the case regardless of who ended things. Give yourself the time to let out your emotions and cry if necessary. Remember that it’s ok to feel sad or even have contradictory feelings towards the relationship.
While it’s important not to spend weeks doing nothing but crying and feeling miserable, it’s perfectly reasonable to take a break from your usual responsibilities. Maybe there’s a party that both of you were invited to and you’re simply not up for going. Or, you were planning to DIY your home and are simply not in the mood. It’s fine to give yourself a break. Give yourself time to grieve the end of your relationship if you need it.
2. Be realistic about the relationship
After a breakup, it’s easy to look back at your relationship with rose-tinted glasses. You may only think of the happy times the two of you had and miss them dearly. This is especially the case if you still have lingering feelings for your ex. However, it’s important to be realistic. The fact that the two of you broke up is evidence that there were issues in the relationship causing you to be incompatible on some level.
Sure, you may have had an amazing time traveling together or even just chilling out watching Netflix on the sofa. It’s possible some of the happiest times in your life were spent with your ex. However, it’s likely you also had some issues, too. Perhaps there were times when you couldn’t agree on certain things, leading to conflict. It’s important to remember both the good and the bad.
3. Remind yourself of why you broke up
If you find it difficult to stop thinking about your ex, reminding yourself of the reasons why you broke up can be a good reality check. For example, maybe the two of you ultimately wanted different things in terms of relationship goals. Perhaps your ex wanted a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. However, you were simply thinking about enjoying the present moment with no expectations about the future. The two of you may have had a great time together, but if your goals were so different, one or both of you would end up unhappy.
4. Keep yourself busy to distract yourself
Staying busy is important. If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, the last thing you want to do is mope around at home with nothing else to focus on. Instead, why not meet up with friends or family to take your mind of things? Being more social is a great way to distract yourself. If you’re used to spending most of your time with your ex, you may not fully enjoy it in the beginning. However, it’s important to get out there and spend time with good people if you want to forget your ex.
Another way to keep yourself busy is to throw yourself into interests like sports or any creative outlets you may have. This way you can channel your energy into productive, fulfilling activities to take your mind off your ex.
5. Remove reminders of your ex
In order to stop thinking about your ex, remove reminders of them. This may include their clothing or items they’ve left in your home. You can throw or hide photos of them that you have around your home. Deleting them off your social media accounts can be helpful, too. The last thing you want is their photos constantly popping up on your Facebook or Instagram feed.
If you lived with your ex, you may even wish to give your home a mini makeover. It’s probably impossible to remove everything that the two of you shared. However, you can buy a few new items that you can call your own. Why not re-arrange your belongings and furniture slightly? Anything that you think will make the place more of your own and remind you less of your ex is worth doing.
6. Ask good friends for support
Close friends can be immensely helpful after a breakup. A good friend will listen to you pour your heart out and offer a shoulder to cry on. They can also give you moral support when you find yourself missing your ex and give you a reality check. They can remind you of the issues you had in your relationship and why the two of you broke up.
It’s likely that during your relationship, you leaned on your ex a lot for emotional support. As you are no longer together, you’ll need to be strong and deal with many things alone. You’ll also need to turn to different people e.g. family and close friends in times of need. True friends will definitely be there for you when you need them.
7. When you are ready, get back out there and start dating
When to start dating again after a breakup is a very personal choice. Some people need to feel completely over their ex before they are ready to go on dates. However, other people may be keen to get back out there and meet new people very quickly. It’s truly up to you. There is certainly no need to rush into things as the last thing you want to do is be obsessing about your ex while dating other people.
The best time to start dating again is when you have completely accepted that the relationship is over and are emotionally ready to have a fresh start with someone new. It’s possible you may have not completely stopped thinking about your ex. After all, this is someone you probably spent months or even years with. They may have been a huge part of your life for a long time.
Even if you still think about your ex, you do need to have a space in your heart open for someone new. The next person you meet does not deserve to be subjected to your unresolved feelings or anger towards your ex. They deserve a clean slate. It’s also unlikely that you’ll be able to build up a healthy relationship with someone if you are clearly not over your ex.
Still can’t stop thinking about your ex?
If you feel that you can’t stop thinking about your ex, just remember that this is temporary and it will pass. It’s true that wounds heal over time. By consistently filling your life with enjoyable activities and surrounding yourself with good people, you will almost certainly think about your ex less. The longer the relationship was, the longer it will take to get over. However, you should stay strong and keep reminding yourself that the relationship ended for good reasons. Once you feel emotionally ready, you can put yourself back out there and potentially open your heart to someone new.
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