If you’ve been happily seeing a guy only to find out that he doesn’t want to commit, you may feel disappointed. Commitment in a relationship can mean different things to different people. It often results from natural progression in a relationship. You may both feel comfortable with each other and want the relationship to continue. Everyone has different definitions of commitment. It may mean that you both agree you are in an ‘official’ relationship and therefore are exclusive with each other. Or, commitment can be lifelong and mean cohabitation or marriage.
Issues arises when one person is happy to continue the relationship on the basis, thinking that there will be degree of commitment. If the other person doesn’t want to commit, however, this will be inevitably be disappointing to the other person. They may feel confused, unvalued or even heartbroken. They may question whether the relationship is worth continuing.
Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to commit is a very common cause of heartache. If you are in this situation, you are certainly not alone. If you are feeling hurt or angry, this is completely understandable. We examine 4 common reasons as to why men do not want to commit and your options moving forward.
Reason 1. He likes things the way they are i.e. having his freedom
During the early days of a relationship, things are generally more exciting and fun than later down the line. You have the excitement of getting to know someone and experiencing new things together. Both people are putting their best face forward and forming a bond. However, during this stage, you also do not have much responsibility over the other person. You can live your life as though you were still single. For example, it’s unlikely that one would make any big life decisions and take into account someone they’d recently started seeing. If they have problems, they are probably more likely to turn to others e.g. close friends.
Basically, during early relationship days, the two of you likely haven’t reached that level of trust yet. There tends to be more spontaneity when it comes to making time for each other. There is no obligation to make big future plans around each other. However, as a relationship progresses over time, things can change. Perhaps you’ve settled into more of a routine regarding how often you see each other. If things have been going well, it’s normal to do more and more things to show the other person you care. As a result, it’s easy for a guy to feel more confident of your feelings for him. He knows that you’ve already made him a priority in your life.
While this can be a positive thing, it can have its downsides too. Unfortunately, some guys will be happy that they’ve secured you and take it for granted. They no longer feel the need to win you over as they already feel comfortable in the relationship. They may take the opportunity to hold onto their freedom as tightly as possible. As a result, they can enjoy the best of both worlds: having you in their life as well as the freedom to do whatever they want. This type of guy is reluctant to commit because he enjoys being able to do what he wants, when he wants. He sees commitment as a negative thing that will impede on his freedom.
Related: Benching in Dating
Reason 2. He’s not that into you
Unfortunately, another common reason as to why a guy doesn’t want to commit is that he’s just not that into you. This can be painfully difficult to identify if you have strong feelings towards him. Those rose-tinted glasses are a real thing. We’ve all had friends who seem to be haplessly strung along by a guy who is clearly not that into them. No matter what you say to them or what evidence you present them with, they simply won’t believe that the guy they are seeing is anything but perfect. It can be excruciating for outsiders to witness.
If you feel that there’s a possibility he falls into this category, it’s important to do a reality check. The fact of the matter is many guys will happily continue dating someone who likes them and treats them well. You might be absolutely gorgeous and talented. You may be what they want in many ways. However, it’s often not that simple. No one knows exactly why we like some people more than others. In other words, you could be perfect in the world’s eyes, but he still may simply not like you that much, deep down. Sure, he might kind of like you. Enough to keep dating you. Enough to continue being in a relationship with someone who adores him without him having to commit.
In summary, just because the two of you are dating, it really does not mean that he sees you as ‘the one’ or that he’s making big plans that include you. It certainly does not mean he is in love. You need to realistically assess where your relationship is at and not assume things that have not happened at all. Often, when a girl is in love with a guy, she will imagine that they have a future together. She will interpret all of his actions as evidence that he feels the same way. Furthermore, she will likely overlook all of his flaws and any warning signs. This is simply because she is in love and only sees the best in him.
If a guy shows resistance in committing to you, his actions are demonstrating that he is NOT making big plans for the future of your relationship. Perhaps you feel that it’s always you going out of your way to see him and show you care. Maybe you are always the one accommodating his schedule. Or maybe you’re always concerned about his well-being but he rarely checks up on you. If this is the case, perhaps he simply does not like you that much.
Reason 3. He doesn’t believe in commitment
There are people who simply do not believe in monogamous relationships or being exclusive. They may have no trouble entering into a relationship. However, they do not see the need for commitment. He might be a commitment phobe. They may prefer to live in the moment and enjoy taking things day by day. If you feel your guy falls into this category and commitment is important to you, this can be difficult. It’s certainly possible that you may get along well and the relationship brings happiness to both of you. However, if say, you want your relationship to be exclusive and he does not, you need to seriously re-evaluate whether this relationship will make you happy in the long-term. This is especially the case if you want to get married but he does not.
There can be many reasons as to why he says he does not believe in commitment or marriage etc. Perhaps his past experiences have led him to not prioritize commitment. Perhaps he witnessed the breakdown of his parents marriage and does not wish to get married, ever. He may have been hurt in a previous relationship and as a result is unwilling to commit as a result. Or, he may feel that being in a committed relationship is simply not what he wants right now. It could be that he is genuinely focusing on other aspects of his life such as career etc or planning his next move. It’s also possible that he simply does not want to commit to you. By making a blanket statement that doesn’t believe in commitment in general makes it easier for him.
Reason 4. He’s simply not ready
Many guys fear commitment because they fear losing their freedom to do other things. They may feel that prioritizing your relationship means they won’t be able to hang out with their friends as much. Or that they’ll be responsible for your well-being. They may be still figuring out what they want in life and want the freedom and flexibility to decide what they want without taking into account another person. He may want to focus on building up his career and be able to grab any work opportunities that arise. This is especially the case if you are potentially thinking about a lifelong commitment such as marriage. It is possible that even if he does not want to commit now, he may want to commit later when he feels more sure.
While he may have genuine and understandable reasons for not wanting to commit, you need to assess the situation realistically. Perhaps you have been a reliable girlfriend or partner, going out of your way to make him happy, i.e. prioritizing him. If he’s been happily enjoying your love and care and the moment you mention commitment, he says he cannot commit, ask yourself if you can genuinely accept this. Is this a case of him having his cake and eating it? Sometimes when we love someone dearly, it can be easier to justify their behaviour out of fear of losing them.
He doesn’t want to commit- What should I do?
Related: What is Pocketing in dating?
How important is commitment to you in a relationship? Is it something you can compromise on?
First and foremost, you need to decide what you want. You should be honest with yourself and realize that there is no right or wrong answer. If commitment is essential to you, it’s important acknowledge that. If, however, you do not feel that it’s a deal-breaker, then that’s fine too. Perhaps you yourself are also not in a position where you want any serious commitments to another person. This may be the case if you are not sure about whether the other person is long-term material. Or perhaps you need flexibility in your life to make decisions independently about how you spend your time.
Realistically, if you have strong feelings for this guy, you’ll probably want some degree of commitment. This may not mean marriage. However, it’s unlikely you’ll be happy if he acts 100% single and dates other people. While some people do opt to keep things casual, it can be difficult to completely avoid jealousy if you really like the guy.
If commitment is important to you in your current relationship, but he doesn’t want to commit, this needs addressing. It’s important to explore his reluctance to commit and find out why. Sure, he may say things like he has a lot of other stuff to figure out in his life. Or, perhaps he wants to focus on his career right now. You may find his explanation completely reasonable. Or, if you’ve been dating for a significant period of time, you may be surprised and hurt by his unwillingness to commit. Ultimately, if commitment is important to you, you really do deserve someone who values you enough to commit to you. You should not be finding excuses to justify his behaviour and convince yourself to accept less than what you believe you are worth.
Related: Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend? Here are 5 Situations When The Answer is ‘Yes’
Your options if he doesn’t want to commit
Continue on the grounds that he is not willing to commit but be prepared to pay the price
If you feel that you wish to continue seeing this guy despite his reluctance to commit, it’s important to maintain realistic expectations. Are you hoping deep down that you will ‘change’ him and eventually he will commit to you? While this is possible, be prepared for the possibility that he may not. You need to accept the reality of the situation. If he has already told you that he does not want to commit and you continue seeing him, don’t be surprised if he does not prioritize you.
Ultimately, if you continue in this relationship, it may become confusing. Assuming you have strong feelings for him and want commitment, it can be hard to be with someone who does not feel the same way. You may end up feeling that the relationship is somewhat one-sided. It’s possible your self-esteem may become negatively affected over time.
There are certainly situations where sometimes the guy just needs more time to be able to make a commitment. If there’s anything guys fear, it’s losing their freedom and independence. It’s possible that over time they will realize they do want to be in a committed relationship with you. However, playing the waiting game is not easy. You’ll need to be very patient and understanding and on the receiving end of their commitment-phobe behaviour. Some personality types are better at playing the waiting game than others. You’ll have to decide whether this is you.
Break up with him because you feel you deserve someone who wants commitment, too
Breaking up is never easy to do. However, if you prioritize commitment highly and feel that the guy you’re seeing is simply not on the same page, then it’s absolutely reasonable to break up. It can be a difficult situation to be in. Perhaps he has genuine reasons for not wanting to commit. Maybe he is still figuring out many things in his life that he needs to do on his own. He doesn’t want to make any big commitments because he feels he has a lot on his plate already. However, it also demonstrates that he either does not value you enough to commit or it’s just not what he wants. This is a big discrepancy between what the two of you want from a relationship.
Whether you break up with him will likely depend on what stage you are in your life and what you want from a relationship. For example, if you are looking to get married in the near future and this guy is unwilling to even be in an exclusive relationship with you (let alone marriage) then it would appear that this is not the right relationship for you. This is not to say that breaking up will be easy. He may not even want to break up and wish to continue seeing with you despite the huge issues. Ultimately these things will never be easy. However, you need to decide what the best decision is for your long-term happiness and stick with it.
It generally sucks being with a guy doesn’t want to commit
Dealing with a guy who doesn’t want to commit is a commonly encountered issue. There can be varying reasons for his reluctance and it’s important to find out why. However, what’s more important is assessing how fulfilled you are being with them and knowing he doesn’t want to commit. At the end of the day, commitment from the person you love is often essential to many people in relationships. You may feel hurt or disappointed and by his reluctance to commit, which is completely understandable.
How you decide to deal with the situation depends on whether you think this is something you can overlook or not. By staying with someone and hoping eventually he will commit later down the line, you run the risk of being on the receiving end of his non-committal behaviour with no guarantees. If you decide to break up, it may be painful. However, being single will give you the space to allow other relationships in your life to flourish. Instead of staying in a relationship where you are unhappy, you will be able to attract the right relationship into your life.
Found this article useful? You may enjoy these articles:
