Contents:
- What is mosting?
- An example of mosting
- 6 red flags that will help you spot if you are being mosted
- If mosters are so full-on and say such over-the-top things, why do people even fall for them?
- How can I avoid being mosted?
- What should I do if I’ve been mosted?
- Conclusion
What is mosting?
If being ghosted wasn’t bad enough, here comes the next level: mosting. Mosting is essentially ghosting, amplified. Ghosting involves abruptly ending communication with the other person (and without them knowing). However, during mosting, the moster (the person doing the mosting) behaves in such a way that the other person drops their guard and puts trust in them. Mosters portray the relationship as being special and meaningful. In some cases, they may lay on on extreme praise and flattery. However, after they have gotten what they set out to achieve, the moster promptly ghosts and moves on.
Mosters give the impression that they are really into you, which is why when they ghost it comes as a shock
The term ‘mosting’ was coined by a journalist as a subtype of ghosting. Mosting can involve over the top declarations of connection and even love prior to ghosting. In some cases, it can be insincere from the very beginning, with the moster seeing it as a quick and easy way to get what they want while exerting minimal effort.
Sometimes, the moster is actually that into the person they are dating. They are initially very into the relationship but their feelings quickly dwindle.
In some situations, the moster may genuinely feel a spark. They are keen to express their feelings and make the other person feel special. However, their attraction and feelings soon subside. Why? It’s usually either because they a. get bored of the relationship or b. realize that they are not as compatible as they initially thought. Once they realize the relationship is not for them, they quickly ghost i.e. walk away without any explanation. This type of moster can easily justify that ghosting was acceptable given the short duration of the ‘relationship’.
An example of mosting. Rachael’s story: “I thought he could be the one”
Rachael, 28, met a guy through online dating and thought she had finally met someone compatible.
“I met this guy from an online dating app and we hit it off straight away. He was absolutely my type: sporty, confident with a great sense of humour. When we met up for the first time, it was such a fun date. He was so funny and kept complimenting me, saying how beautiful I was and how ‘different’ I was to other girls he’d met. He even said things like ‘I can’t believe how long it took me to find you’ and I felt such chemistry with him that I believed it. I thought he could be the one.”
“It was shocking when, after a few dates, he left me on read. I tried messaging a few times but he didn’t reply at all. I genuinely felt we had a connection and was really confused. He totally gave me the impression that we were going somewhere. He would say things like ‘one day when you meet my friends’ and even mentioned all the places he wanted to bring me.”
“When I finally realized I’d been ghosted it was so disappointing. I honestly did not see it coming. He was still active on the dating app we’d met on. After all his sweet words I couldn’t believe he just disappeared like that.”
Related: Here’s How To Apply The No Contact Rule After Being Ghosted
6 red flags that will help you spot if you are being mosted:
Red flag 1. They make flattering remarks about you which, even though they may be nice to hear, seem a bit excessive
Most people would be lying if they said they didn’t like receiving sincere compliments from time to time. However, if the person you are dating seems a bit over the top when it comes to praising you, it may be flattery, rather than genuine appreciation.
An example of a normal compliment: “you have very pretty eyes”
An example of flattery: “you’re so beautiful and have amazing style. I’ve never met a girl as special as you.”
Sure, it’s possible that someone who is really in love may say these things. They may genuinely think of the other person as being the most beautiful and special person in the whole wide world. However, you need to look at things in the context of your current relationship. For example, if you’ve only just met this person and they are constantly showering you with praise, you’re better off keeping your guard up until they genuinely prove themselves.
Red flag 2. They tell you that they have very strong feelings for you early on in the relationship
A person who is mosting the person they are seeing will appear very into the relationship during the early stages. They may tell the other person that they are ‘serious’ about them or even that they have fallen in love. Obviously, it is certainly possible that someone may fall in love very quickly. However, if someone is coming on very strong and seems to want to marry you after one or two dates, it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself: is this real?
A moster may throw around terms of endearment early on
Someone who is mosting the other person may say how much the other person means to them after the first or second date. They may use terms of endearment like “my love” or even “wifey” which most people wouldn’t even consider using until they are in a committed, serious relationship.
Red flag 3. They allude to the future and seem to have plans for the two of you that never materialize
A moster may often discuss the future very early on and seem to include you in all of their plans. They may be experts at knowing what to say in order to get the other person to drop their guard.
Examples include:
“I’ll have to take you next time we goto…” (but they never take you)
“I’ll have to introduce you to…” (but they never do)
After a few dates: “Later when we get married…”
Or even:
“Our babies will be beautiful”
Despite them seeming to have all of these exciting plans for the relationship, nothing actually seems to materialize. This type of behaviour is very typical of someone who is saying things for the purpose of gaining the other person’s trust.
Red flag 4. They just seem too ‘full on’ and your gut feeling tells you something is ‘off’
Often, it may not be anything specific that makes you question whether someone is a moster. They may not have showered you with over-the-top praise. However, their behaviour might just seem a bit too much. Perhaps they want to know everything about you and your life. Or, they may have told you how much they trust you and opened up about very personal details of their life.
Basically, if they seem to have done everything ‘right’ but you have alarm bells ringing in your head, it could be that something is truly off. If they really are that into you, then they’ll gain your trust over time. However, it could be that they are planning to most you, in which case, you’ll know in due course when they suddenly disappear.
Red flag 5. Their relationship history is full of very casual relationships and they love the thrill of the chase
Mosters are often experienced and skilled at getting other people to fall for them. They may enjoy the excitement of chasing someone and ‘getting’ them. However, once the other person has fallen in love, the moster then loses interest. Since they lack empathy, they don’t see the point in telling the other person that it’s over and instead, they ghost.
If the person you’re seeing only has short-lived relationships and seems skilled at getting people to fall for them, it’s possible you may get mosted. This type of moster enjoys the dating game. They may be an expert at making people fall for them without getting emotionally invested themselves. They are also quick to move on when they no longer find the relationship exciting enough. Instead of plucking up the courage to tell the other person that they want to end things, they ghost them.
Red flag 6. They seem to be really into you, but seem to want your ‘help’ with something
Unfortunately, there are expert mosters out there who have an underlying agenda, especially on online dating platforms. Some mosters are actually scammers in disguise. They are intentionally seeking singles who are on dating platforms looking for a serious relationship. They are smooth operators, knowing how to flatter other people and come across as being caring and sincere, even through text.
Some of these scammer mosters are working on many singles at the same time. They may be skilled at gaining people’s trust through online dating apps. However, as the ‘relationship’ progresses, they may start to bring up something they need help with. This usually involves some kind of financial assistance, which could range from needing to borrow money, to encouraging you to invest in some kind of scheme with high returns. Unfortunately, this type of moster will disappear after:
- They get what they want, or
- They realize that they’ll never get what they want so continuing to work on the other person is a waste of time
If mosters are so full-on and say such over-the-top things, why do people even fall for them?
There is no simple answer to this question. However, here are 2 reasons why:
Reason 1. The moster is very good at making the other person believe they are sincere
In many cases, mosters are very good at dating. They may be very socially intelligent and know exactly what to say and do to gain someone’s trust. They might even be attractive, confident and likeable i.e. a catch. Put it this way, if a good-looking and confident guy did the following:
- Messaged often and portrayed himself as being interested (but not in a desperate way)
- Told you he was looking for a proper relationship
- Recognized and appreciated your best qualities, frequently praising you
- Alluded to a future with you in it
Would you not find it easy to believe the things he says? It would be really hard to stop yourself believing him.
Mosters stand out from the crowd because many people are flakey
In a dating market that is nowadays full of flakey people who don’t know what they want and never call, a moster can easily stand out. Because they are so good at portraying themselves as wanting a proper relationship and being open with their feelings, they easily come across as sincere. While being romanced by a moster, the mostee may feel lucky that they’ve finally met someone who’s genuine.
Reason 2. The person being mosted is lonely and really wants a relationship
The other common reason as to why people get mosted is because they are lonely. This type of person badly wants to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, they want companionship so badly that they fail to recognize all the red flags that someone is insincere and has an agenda.
Mosters are often clever at spotting potential targets who are feeling lonely. Even if the moster’s actions are clearly over-the-top or even cringeworthy to other people, the mostee may absolutely deny this. They may be over the moon that they’ve finally met someone who is their type and reciprocates their feelings. The reality is that a person who really wants something to be true will often believe it to be true.
The lonely person who gets mosted will often feel a great deal of pain. They may have invested a great deal into the relationship. Aside from experiencing emotional heartbreak, it’s possible they may have even suffered financial or other losses. This is the worst kind of mosting situation and can even be painful for their friends and family to witness.
How can I avoid being mosted?
Being mosted tends to happen when someone puts trust into the new person they are dating, only to realise later that the trust was not warranted. Mosters, in some cases, may be experienced at charming others getting them to drop their guard. Narcissistic personality types have been associated with ghosting, as they can lack empathy and insight into the effect their actions may have on others.
It’s therefore important to proceed with caution, even if one believes there to be chemistry between themselves and the person they are dating. One can reduce their chances of being mosted by allowing the other person to earn their trust over time. If the other person can demonstrate consistently over time that they are sincere in their intentions, this is reassuring. However, if you feel that a person is coming on too strong too soon and your gut feeling is telling you something isn’t quite right, you may be onto something.
What should I do if I’ve been mosted?
Being mosted can be even more painful than being broken up with in a normal way. Given that breakups are recognized by psychologists as significantly distressing psychological events, it’s no surprise that being ghosted can be heart-breaking. However, mosting creates higher expectations of the relationship from the outset compared to ghosting. With high hopes for the relationship at the beginning, the sudden avoidance and dissolution of the relationship comes particularly unexpected.
Coping with being mosted can be difficult. Dealing with the disappearance of the other person without any explanation can be painful, especially if they came across as genuine. These are the steps one can take after being mosted:
- Accept that the relationship is over for good
- Take the time you need to process your emotions
- Ask trusted friends for support
- Do not blame yourself. Mosters are notoriously difficult to spot and are often the most charming people
- Remove reminders of the person who mosted you
- Keep yourself busy to take your mind off things
Related: How To Deal With Ghosting: 7 Simple Steps
Conclusion
In dating, mosting is a disrespectful and deceitful behaviour. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult for people to recognize the signs of mosting until the relationship is over and one looks back in retrosepct. Mosters are often intelligent and charming. They may be skilled at dating and can easily gain other people’s trust and affection within a short period of time.
If you’ve been mosted, it’s important to recognize that it can happen to anyone. There’s little point trying to figure out why you got mosted or spending time regretting. Instead, be grateful that this person is no longer in your life and focus on your future without them.
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