What is pocketing in dating? And how can you tell if it’s happening to you?
Pocketing in dating is when you are seeing someone who keeps everything on the down low. It’s as though they’ve casually slipped you into their pocket, out of sight from the rest of the world. Perhaps you’ve been dating for a while, but no one seems to know about you. Or you’ve never met anyone significant in their life. This can include close friends and family members. Everything may seem nice and rosy when the two of you are alone. However, over time, you may realize that you are never included in other aspects of their life. Pocketing can be very frustrating and confusing for the person involved.
What are the tell-tale signs of pocketing in dating?
You’ve never met their friends
It’s common for some people to take their time getting to know someone before introducing them to their friends. After all, they may simply prefer waiting until things are a bit more serious first. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this and everyone has different preferences. However, maybe you feel that the relationship has become somewhat serious already. Or you’ve introduced them to your friendship circle already. If the person you’re dating seems to be reluctant for you to meet their friends, it’s fair to find out why. If they only offer lame excuses, they may be pocketing you.
Related: “He doesn’t want to commit:” 4 Common Reasons Why and How to Deal
You’ve never met their family
Meeting the family of someone you are seeing is a very personal decision for the both of you. It could be that while you are open to doing so, they are not. Or they may be keen for you to meet their parents but you are not comfortable doing so. Different people have different timelines when it comes to meeting the family. Some people may introduce casual dates to their parents all the time. However, others, may only want to introduce someone to their parents if they are very serious.
Pocketing is not as simple as someone not wanting to introduce you to their parents. It’s important to put things into context. If you have concerns about why you haven’t met their family, it’s reasonable to voice your concerns. It could be that they have genuine reasons as to why they’ve not introduced you. However, if they’ve introduced several exes to their parents in the past, yet their parents don’t even know you exist, you may want to find out why. Listen to what they have to say and determine whether you feel their reasons are valid.
Related: Dating Someone Who’s Playing You Hot and Cold? Read this.
They act like you’re not together in public situations
Pocketing can be far more obvious in public situations. In private, they may act coupley and as though the two of you are in a proper relationship. If you spend a great deal of time alone, it can be difficult to spot pocketing. However, if you’ve noticed that something seems ‘off’ when you are in public or around other people, you may be onto something.
It could be that whenever the two of are at no risk of bumping into others, they are keen to hold your hand and act coupley. However, if you are around people you know, they suddenly ‘friend-zone’ you. Or they may be so nonchalant that no one would assume that you are even dating at all. The worst is if they openly flirt with others and act single in group situations. This may leave you feeling hurt or even humiliated. If they are pocketing you, you will likely feel that they create distance from you in public.
They only meet you in private or secluded places, where the chances of bumping into people are zero
If you’re dating someone and they always seem to bring you to faraway places for dates, this may seem odd. Perhaps it’s the weekend and the two of you are planning to go for dinner. However, instead of going somewhere popular in town, they insist on taking you somewhere much more secluded. Obviously, it may be completely innocent. They may simply want to bring you somewhere special or different. However, the warning bells may ring if you sense that they are intentionally avoiding going to certain places. For example, it could be that guy you are seeing frequently visits a bar in town with his friends. You also like this bar, but he absolutely refuses to bring you there. This may be a sign of pocketing.
Things don’t quite add up
Some people are experts in pocketing. They may know all the things to say to make you feel secure in the relationship and that they are serious about you. These include telling you that they are “really into you” or suggesting introducing you to the people in their life. However, their plans ultimately never materialize. As the weeks and months drag on, you may be wondering when your get-together with their friends will happen. However, it simply doesn’t happen.
Pocketing in dating: Why do people do it?
They are not sure about you
It could be that they haven’t made their mind up about you and whether your relationship has long-term potential. If the person you are seeing views the relationship as casual or even a fling, they are less likely to introduce you to the important people in their life. Perhaps they need more time to see how the relationship progresses. However, if you have established that you are in a ‘serious’ relationship and they still keep you away from the people in their life, this is a red flag for pocketing.
They don’t think you would get along with their friends
It’s possible that the person you are dating genuinely feels that you and their friends will have nothing in common. Another scenario is when someone is actually embarrassed about their friendship group. Perhaps they are overly immature or very different to themselves. They may fear that introducing you to their friends may change your opinion of them.
Meeting the family is a big deal for them and they’re not ready
While some people treat meeting the parents as something very casual, others may regard this as a huge step. Some people only arrange for the person they’re dating to meet their family if marriage is on the cards. Therefore, it could be that they are simply not ready to introduce you to their family.
They are dating other people and want to keep their options open
When it comes to dating, many people will foster several options at the same time. They may happily continue seeing different people until they decide to commit to one. Or, they may simply enjoy seeing how long they can continue seeing multiple people. Pocketing is an ideal strategy for the person who wants to continue dating around. They can enjoy their freedom while also having fun relationships with no commitment. By not making your relationship public knowledge or establishing whether it’s ‘official’, they can keep the relationship casual. This allows them flexibility without responsibility.
They view your relationship as short term
Unfortunately, pocketing is common when one person views the relationship as having no future, or simply a ‘fling.’ It is futile for them to bring you around introducing you to the people in their life when they know deep down the relationship will end as quickly as it began. Perhaps they are simply not too invested in the relationship.
What should I do if I think I’m being pocketed?
If you have concerns that you are being pocketed i.e. hidden away from aspects of the other person’s life, you should explore this. Try to bring up your concerns in a non-confrontational way that allows the other person to express their views. You may even wish to start by asking how they view your relationship at present. If they state something like “we’re just hanging out” or “it’s casual” then that already reveals a lot. They are simply not that serious about you. However, if they view the relationship as having potential to become serious, then you may wish to probe a bit further.
Maybe they’ve met all of your friends but their friends don’t even seem to know about your existence. In this situation, you might consider asking: “I noticed that none of your friends seem to know much about me. Do they know that we are dating?” Depending on their response, you can explore their reasons for keeping your relationship on the down low. It could be that they have genuine reasons that you can empathize with. However, if you smell something fishy, then it’s important to follow your gut instincts.
A final note on pocketing
In conclusion, pocketing in dating is a common strategy employed by people for several reasons. Often, they do not view the relationship as serious enough to warrant involving you in various aspects of their life. They may even be purposely avoiding commitment and keeping their options open. In some cases, they may actually be serious about you but have fears or doubts preventing them from meeting their friends or family.
If you suspect that you are being pocketed, it’s important to clarify how they view your relationship and see where you stand. Then, you can explore the reasons as to why they seem to be pocketing you. Only then will you be able to make a decision as to how to move forwards.
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