Trickle ghosting was first described by a Reddit user. It refers to a subtype of ghosting in which someone ghosts you gradually over time. In regular ghosting, the person doing the ghosting will suddenly go cold and ignore you. However, in trickle ghosting, they drag out the process. They may intentionally take longer and longer to reply you. Ultimately, their trickle of messages tails off all together. At long last, they’ve ghosted you.
Trickle ghosting can be annoying and confusing. Initially, you may have no clue that you are being ghosted at all. It’s easy to put down someone’s slow responses to being busy. However, they are strategically phasing you out, bit by bit. They are not being upfront about the fact that they wish to end the relationship. Trickle ghosting can result in you wasting time wondering why they’ve become less keen.
Example of trickle ghosting
Liv and Tim have been dating for 3 months. While they haven’t established the relationship as ‘exclusive,’ they see each other quite regularly and keep in touch by messaging. Recently, Liv feels that Tim has been less responsive than usual. He previously would reply her messages within a few hours. However, he now leaves her messages for a day before responding.
Upon questioning about whether he has been busy lately, he replies “yeah just some stuff at work that’s all.” He does not elaborate further. Instead of meeting every few days, he now seems to always have plans. He does occasionally suggest meeting for coffee. However, this is very different to before, when they would spend the whole weekend together.
Liv is puzzled. He’s still nice to her in person. However, she doesn’t understand why his attitude seems to have changed. He seems distant and less accessible. Whenever she asks him what’s up, he seems avoidant and doesn’t give anything away. He is becoming less responsive and less interested by the week. Eventually, one day, she messages him again. “Hey! Haven’t heard from you in a while. Any plans for the weekend?” He does not respond at all. It dawns on her that they are no longer ‘together.’
What are people’s reasons for trickle ghosting?
The fundamental reasons for trickle ghosting are the same as the reasons why people ghost. The person ghosting wants to end the relationship with you. They wish to do so without explaining to you why. Often, they do not want to deal with having an awkward conversation. Nor do they want to deal with your reaction or questions.
Ghosting has gained somewhat of a bad rep in recent years. People are well aware of the practice, especially those who have experience with online dating. Ghosting has always existed, but ghosting someone is often seen as poor dating etiquette. As ghosters now fear backlash for ghosting their dates, they may view trickle ghosting as an easier way out.
With trickle ghosting, the ghoster can easily justify the end of the relationship, saying that the relationship fizzled out. As they did still reply (albeit slowly), they can argue that they technically did not ghost anyone. Trickle ghosting is subtle, which makes it hard to call someone out on it. They may be very polite when replying you. Chances are, they feel no need to delete or block you. Nor do they remove you from Instagram or other social media profiles.
How does trickle ghosting make the person being ghosted feel?
Trickle ghosting can be very confusing. It may be a drawn-out process lasting several weeks. The problem is that you may not even realise you are being trickle ghosted. You may simply assume that the other person is busy. Perhaps you sense that ‘something’s up’ but can’t quite put your finger on it. The other person may be quick to defend their actions and temporarily appease your concerns.
If you really like someone who is trickle ghosting you, you will likely feel as though your affection is not reciprocated. Essentially, they are keeping you around and continuing the relationship. They’ve not quite benched you. However, their interest in you is certainly dwindling. It’s not a nice feeling at all.
Someone who is trickle ghosting you is not being upfront with you. Instead of being honest that they are not feeling it anymore, they are waiting for you to figure it out. Meanwhile, they happily allow you to stay invested in the relationship. Perhaps you are still prioritizing them in your life and decision making. Or you may even be taking them into account in your future plans. Over time, you eventually realise that the relationship is fizzling out. You may question why they seem to be losing interest in you. Or, whether you yourself had done something wrong.
This whole period of wondering and agonizing is completely avoidable. Had they been honest with you and told you they wanted to break up, you would be spared weeks of confusion. You would have not had to spend all the time wondering where the relationship was going. Therefore, trickle ghosting is disrespectful towards the other person. It leads them on unnecessarily when one person has already decided the relationship is over.
Related: Double Texting After Being Left On Read: Should You Do It?
What should I do if I think I’m being trickle ghosted?
If you suspect that you are being trickle ghosted, you’ve probably felt that something is a bit ‘off’ in your relationship. Perhaps you feel their feelings for you are no longer what they used to be. Maybe they’ve become more difficult to make plans with. Or they take much longer than previously to reply.
It’s certainly possible that it’s just a phase and they are genuinely busy or are dealing with some issues. However, it’s someone who really wants to be with you will want to reassure you that it’s due to temporary circumstances. They will certainly not want you to feel that their feelings for you are fading or that the relationship is on shaky ground. Putting it simply, if you really like someone, you will do your best to keep in touch and see them.
As with most relationship issues, communication is key. To get a clearer understanding of the situation, you can ask the other person directly whether something’s up. It’s perfectly reasonable to tell them that you’ve felt they’ve been a bit distant. You can explore what their reasons are for their change in behaviour. You may even wish to ask them straight up how they feel about your relationship. At least you will have some insight into what’s going on.
If they are avoidant or deny that they’ve been aloof recently, this is not a great sign. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself whether you are happy with the way you are being treated. If he or she refuses to admit there is a problem, it’s unlikely they will change their behaviour. It’s certainly possible they are trickle ghosting you. Despite their denial, it’s important to listen to your gut feeling. If someone has stopped caring about the relationship, you will feel it.
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