Nowadays, ghosting in dating occurs frequently. Someone may get ghosted after a first date where there was no obvious chemistry, or they may get ghosted even if the date seemed to go well. Ghosting can often seem to happen out of the blue and for no specific reason, thereby taking the ghostee by surprise. However, getting ghosted after coming on too strong in the early stages of getting to know someone is a common scenario.
What is considered ‘coming on too strong’ when it comes to dating?
There’s really no fixed definition of what ‘coming on too strong’ means in dating. This is because every relationship is unique and depends on two different individuals. What one person may regard as ‘too much’ may be acceptable to someone else. One girl may find it romantic if a guy calls her everyday, however, another girl might find this absolutely nuts and be turned off. Putting it simply, it’s all relative. ‘Coming on too strong’ is when one person finds the other person’s behaviour excessive and, as a result, makes them undesirable.
Here are some examples of coming on too strong:
- Messaging the other person far more frequently than they message you
- Replying their messages instantly even if they are often leaving you on ‘read’ for hours or days
- Being the only one to initiate making plans
- Failing to recognize that the other person is not interested but still continuously contacting them
- Continuously updating them about your life even though they don’t ask and don’t share details of their own life
- Wanting to tag along with them to things that they haven’t invited you to
- Building up expectations that they should include you in their future plans
- Posting your relationship on social media
- Being jealous
- Trying to get very involved in their life without them even asking
- Being willing to change yourself and your life at the drop of a hat in order to please the other person
Why may someone get ghosted after coming on too strong?
It’s one thing to express interest and pursue someone romantically. However, coming on too strong is when your actions are excessive, and as a result, the other person ends up viewing you in a negative light. Put it this way, if the other person liked you a lot and felt you were their type then they would appreciate your advances. Say, for example, the person you like is not reciprocating your interest by responding to you enthusiastically or flirting back. You’re far better off taking a step back than continuing to pursue them aggressively.
Unfortunately, if you are coming on too strong, you may be viewed as being:
- Pushy
- Overly eager
- Desperate
- Too free
- Jealous
- Possessive
- Unable to listen
Why can coming on too strong result in one getting ghosted?
Frankly speaking, dating is all about attraction. Especially during the early stages of dating, one needs to feel a sense of fascination and curiosity towards the other person. This means being excited to chat to them, get to know what they’re about and spend time together. Coming on too strong is unattractive because it shows you are not picking up on the other person’s cues.
Often when we really like another person, it can be hard to contain one’s excitement, especially during the early stages of dating. This is normal. However, getting ghosted after coming too strong happens because you have failed to give the other person enough space. By messaging them too frequently and being overly eager to include this person in your life, they can easily perceive you as being desperate. Unfortunately, your efforts can easily have the opposite effect and make you unattractive in their eyes.
Unfortunately, if you got ghosted after coming on too strong, chances are the other person had already dropped hints that they were not interested but you failed to pick up on this. These signs may include:
- Replying you with short messages and not continuing the conversation
- Leaving you on ‘read’
- Declining your invitations to meet up
- Not showing any interest in your life
You need to differentiate between someone who is responding out of politeness and someone who is also interested in you
Many people will respond to someone who likes them out of politeness even if they are not interested romantically. They may even enjoy the attention they are receiving from you. This kind of person will be willing to respond but probably won’t put much effort into maintaining the relationship. If, over time, you continued to pursue them despite their lack of interest, they likely found your behaviour annoying. Given that you were unable to take a hint, they may have felt they had no choice but to ghost you in order to cut you off.
Related: Ghosted But Not Blocked? Here’s Why & Why You Shouldn’t Care
They may have liked you initially but lost interested after you came on too strong
It’s also possible that the other person was interested in you initially. However, due to you being overly aggressive in pursuing them, they felt overwhelmed or even scared by your behaviour. If it got too a stage where you were bombarding them and they didn’t know how to reject you, then they probably felt that ghosting you was the only option.
I got ghosted after coming on too strong, how can I avoid this happening in the future?
When getting to know someone, it’s important to gauge their interest you and the pace at which they wish the relationship to progress. For example, if they seem interested but are not the type to message every hour of the day, it’s important to respect that. If they are happy to meet up with you but are only free during certain times, that is absolutely normal. Even if deep down you would be happy to drop everything in order to see them all the time, you need to respect their schedule and their space.
5 tips to avoid getting ghosted after coming on too strong:
- Be friendly, interested and light-hearted when messaging the other person
- If they take a long time to reply, don’t sweat. There’s no need to repeatedly message them. Give them some time, do something else and reply them after a reasonable period of time.
- If they do not respond at all or decline your invitations to meet, accept that they are not interested.
- Do not assume a place in their life that they have not extended to you
- Keep yourself busy with your own life and social commitments. Sure, it’s great to make time to see someone you like but you should not drop everything for them. If you’re busy enjoying your own life you’re less likely to obsess about whether they’ve texted you.
In conclusion, when pursuing someone romantically, it’s important to give the other person time and space. Even if you are incredibly excited about this person and convinced that the two of you are compatible, the attraction needs to come from both sides. If things are meant to be, they will see all your best qualities and appreciate what you have to offer. However, you need to be respectful of the pace at which they wish to get to know you and not try to force the relationship ahead.
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