Guys can be confusing at times. Perhaps you’re in a situation where a guy is blatantly showing interest in you e.g. flirting with you, texting you, constantly liking your stories or even asking you out. You might be interested in him and genuinely get along with him well as a person. However, there’s a caveat: he has a girlfriend. This can be confusing and frustrating. You’re probably wondering or even asking your friends “why is he talking to me if he has a girlfriend?”
To many guys, having a girlfriend does not mean he cannot talk to other girls
One would assume that if a guy already has a girlfriend that he would honour their relationship. To most of us, if a couple are using the terms ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ this means upholding a degree of exclusivity. Although ‘exclusivity’ can mean different things to different people, as a bare minimum, one would hope that both partners are focusing on their relationship and not actively looking to start relationships with other people.
It’s fair to say that relationships and all matters of the heart are not black and white. People stay in relationships for various reasons. People also have different motivations for pursuing members of the opposite sex. The guy who is talking to you may simply want attention or he may be genuinely interested. However, given the fact he has a girlfriend, you’ll want to be very careful about how you deal with him.
Reason 1. He’s not happy in his relationship
A common reason for guy to talk to other girls despite having a girlfriend is that he’s not happy in his current relationship. This may be for a number of reasons such as:
- They are fundamentally incompatible
- They disagree on many things
- They want different things in life
- They’ve outgrown each other but no one wants to break up
Guys who are unhappy in a relationship will often seek to interact with other girls. This may be as simple as flirting or making passes. However, it may be as elaborate as asking girls out on dates and having emotionally deep conversations, despite having a girlfriend.
It seems he’s unhappy in his relationship and I quite like him, what should I do?
If you suspect that he is talking to you because he’s not happy being with his girlfriend and you are attracted to him, what comes next? Firstly, do not assume that him making passes at you means that he is going to break up with his girlfriend to be with you. You have zero evidence that he will do this.
Putting it simply, it’s a sensitive situation. The fact of the matter is that he is in a relationship where the girl likely expects some level of commitment from him. Regardless of how he portrays his current relationship, you simply do not know what is truly going on.
It will be complicated
Getting involved with a guy who has a girlfriend is complicated. Even if seems genuinely interested, you will always have huge question marks at the back of your mind. After talking to you he is still going back to her again and again. How sincere are his intentions? He’s essentially betraying the trust of his current girlfriend by keeping her around while actively pursuing you.
Furthermore, even if you are keen to entertain his advances, you will be allowing him to go back and forth between the two of you. Both of you will end up having to conceal your relationship and tell lies to the people around you. Since he has an official ‘girlfriend’ already, what does that make you? Well, you certainly are nothing official to him or to the world. No matter what he tells you, you are allowing him to treat you as a second choice.
Reason 2. He wants to have his cake and eat it
It’s human nature to enjoy being regarded as attractive and enjoy attention from other people. We are social beings and most of us enjoy interacting with people that we find interesting or amusing. It’s fair to say that most guys will gain an ego boost from chatting with women that they find attractive on some level.
Although many of us would assume that a guy who has a girlfriend would no longer seek out other girls to talk to, this simply isn’t true. Many guys enjoy the stability of having a girlfriend. They may even love and deeply care for her. However, some guys are not prepared to give up the potential attention they can receive from other girls. This is especially true for guys who are extroverted or find it easy to chat up girls.
He may consider himself a good boyfriend even though he actively seeks out other girls to talk to
Some men put their relationship and their behaviour outside the relationship in separate baskets. It’s possible that this guy thinks of himself as a great boyfriend since he has a doting girlfriend who is in love with him. He may treat her well within the bounds of their relationship and be serious about her. However, outside their relationship, he does whatever he wants whenever he wants. Even though you may be wondering “why is he talking to me if he has a girlfriend?” it may not even occur to him that he’s doing anything remotely wrong.
Reason 3. He is considering breaking up with his girlfriend but wants to test the waters before jumping ship
This is the guy who is clearly in the wrong relationship but doesn’t have the guts to break up. This is another common scenario and especially common for guys who have been with the same girlfriend for a long time. Many of us can agree that it’s harder to break up with someone you’ve been with for five years as opposed to, say, five weeks. This is because after being in a long-term relationship, your lives are so intertwined that you’re likely quite dependent on each other.
Break ups are tough. So why do guys struggle to break up with their girlfriends even if they are not happy?
- He’s gotten used to her, their life and their routine
- He feels obligated to stay with his girlfriend
- They share a lot of mutual friends
- They may even live together or have planned a future together
- She may not be perfect, but he’s scared of being alone
- She may love him deeply and doesn’t want to lose this
- He doesn’t have the guts to break up with her
- He doesn’t like change
- There’s no pressing reason for him to break up with her so it’s easier to continue in the relationship
He may want to cultivate a relationship with you as a backup
If there is no urgency for him to end the relationship and he is the type that is scared to be alone then this is when girl no. 2 comes in. By cultivating another relationship while still being with his girlfriend, he can essentially reduce the probability of breaking up with his girlfriend and ending up with nothing. He’s trying to ensure a smooth transition as possible for himself.
Unfortunately, this does not say great things about his character. Firstly, you simply don’t know if you’re a convenient distraction for him while he’s unhappy in his current relationship. Secondly, even if he breaks up with his girlfriend, will the two of you truly be compatible? He had the security of his girlfriend while talking to you. Will he still be the same guy once that’s taken away from him? Even if you like this guy, if you end up with him, you may fear that he can do the same thing to you.
Related: The Guy I Like Is Dating Someone Else. What Can I Do?
Reason 3. He’s trying to make his girlfriend jealous
All couples will have their ups and downs. Realistically, you will never know, nor understand, what goes on in someone else’s relationship. It’s possible that he is talking to you in order to make his girlfriend jealous.
Why would a guy want to make his girlfriend jealous? Let’s consider a few possibilities:
- His girlfriend is pretty and receives a lot of attention from other guys
- He feels threatened by relationships that his girlfriend has with other men e.g. friends, colleagues, ex-boyfriends
- He feels that his girlfriend is out of his league so he wants to prove that he is also desirable
- He feels he does not receive enough attention from his girlfriend
- He is insecure for whatever reason and making his girlfriend jealous makes him feel better about himself
It may seem surprising that a guy would talk to you simply to make his girlfriend jealous, but this can be quite common. . You may be wondering “why is he talking to me if he has a girlfriend?” However, you do not know what kind of insecurities he has about himself. Nor do you know what is truly going on in their relationship. For all you know, his girlfriend may have cheated on him and he wants to make her jealous. Who knows? There are many possible reasons.
Reason 4. He is in an open relationship
While you may assume that having a boyfriend or girlfriend means that other people are off-limits, this is not necessarily true for other people. Some people are happy to be in a relationship and refer to each other as ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ but still see other people. If this guy is in an open relationship, his girlfriend may be fully aware that he is talking to other girls and be cool with it.
People in open relationships may have different degrees of ‘openness.’ It really depends on what mutual understanding the couple have. Some girls may allow their boyfriend to talk to other girls but not go on dates. Some guys may allow their girlfriend to date other girls but not guys. It’s hard to define exactly what an ‘open relationship’ is. However, open relationships have become more common in recent years.
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